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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Mark Des Cotes, no matter how hard I try I can never keep my desk clean, and I believe if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I talk about the difficulties of raising children.
Today’s Fact of the Day: You’ll notice that I didn’t say Fun Fact because there is nothing fun about this one. Did you know that worldwide, an average of 2 newborn babies are sent home with the wrong parents each day? Imagine, over 700 new mothers each year are unknowingly caring for a child they didn’t give birth to. I don’t know what to say about this.
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Here’s What I leaned yesterday
I don’t know about you but I love hearing the stories on this podcast about raising children. Whether it was Derek’s wonder at his newborn daughter, Mandy’s toddler troubles at the grocery store, don’t worry Mandy, we’ve all been there, or Darrell’s stories like the recent one about his daughter. And he thinks raising a strong willed tween girl is hard, I can’t help but laugh knowing what’s ahead for him in the years to come.
I remember when my son was born. Like most new parents, no matter how prepared you think you are, when you’re holding your newborn child in your arms for the first time you get that nudging fear that you are responsible for everything in this child’s life for many, many years ahead. It can be overwhelming.
Of course, suddenly there’s advice coming at you from all angles on raising children. Friends and family wanting to be helpful, telling you how to do this or what they did in such and such situation. Before you know it your head is spinning as you try to decipher all the good and questionable advice thrown your way.
The best piece of advice I received after becoming a new father was from my mother. She pulled me aside in the hospital shortly after Ryan was born and told me to graciously accept all the advice that would come my way, but to do whatever I felt was right. She then told me that there is no right or wrong way of raising children. As long as you are not doing anything that will harm them physically, emotionally or mentally you are being the best parent you can be.
Now, regardless of how you choose to raise your kids, every parent has the dream that their child grow up to be responsible, respectable, successful and loved. It can be daunting trying to measure up to these criteria without knowing if you are succeeding or not. Because the answer won’t come until much later in life. But along the way you’ll see little milestones, successes if you will, that will tell you you’ve done good.
One of the great topics of discussion between my wife and I when our kids were young was over allowance. We had no idea how much money, if any; our children should receive as an allowance. There is three and a half years difference between my son and my daughter and we wanted to be fare to both of them. We talked to many parents and received just as many recommendations on what to do. In the end this is what we came up with. Starting at the age of 8 each child would receive a weekly allowance equivalent to half their age. This method would allow no arguments. Each birthday their amount would go up by fifty cents and we would continue this until they got a job and started earning money for themselves.
We bought all their necessities like clothes, school supplies and even gifts for when they attended friends birthday parties. We paid for their extra curricular activities, their movie tickets and special outings to water or amusement parks. So the money they received each week was for all the little things they wanted that weren’t really necessities. It was theirs to do with as they pleased with very little input, or criticism from mom and dad. The only stipulations we had were no impulse purchases, and no borrowing from future allowances. If they didn’t have enough money they couldn’t buy what they wanted until they did. If they had enough money and wanted to purchase something big, they had to give us a 1-week notice of what they wanted to buy. If a week later they still wanted to buy it we would take them to the store where they could get it, regardless of what we thought. This last one saved a lot of grief as many times the 7 days of waiting made them realize the item wasn’t really worth spending all their money on.
My son took to this system very well. He has never been an impulse buyer. Instead, he would save his money from week to week, as he would research his purchases. He was heavy into Legos when he was young, especially Star Wars Legos. He would spend hours and hours studying the various sets in the Lego catalogues he received in the mail. Then at the store, he would line up all the sets he was interested in and compare them, trying to figure out which one would give him the most entertainment value for his money. When he finally made his choice he would patiently wait the 7 days until we returned to the store and he could make his purchase. But he played it smart. When making his choice he would also tell us what his second and third choices were. That way, when we returned the following week he would have a backup in case his first choice was out of stock. Ryan will be turning 19 in a couple of weeks and his shopping habits haven’t changed. He still researches every large purchase he wants to make and gives himself a few days to contemplate if it’s worth spending his money on.
Now, my daughter on the other hand is the complete opposite. Not that I want to be stereotypical here, but I see her as a typical teenage girl. She’s 15 years old, and ever since she started receiving an allowance she’s had a hard time holding onto it. Be it a new piece of clothing, makeup of some sort, or even just a milkshake while walking around the mall. To her, money in her possession needs to be spent. The 7-day rule was murder to her. Joelle would constantly beg us to return to the store, saying over and over that she wasn’t going to change her mind so why did she have to wait. And if by chance the item she wanted wasn’t at the store when we returned Joelle would beg us to let her buy something else. Claiming that it was a second choice that she really wanted but had forgotten to tell us. And of course she would throw a fit when we said no.
My wife and I really struggled when it came to Joelle’s buying habits. With Ryan, so much research had been made that we were comfortable with his decisions. But time and again we had to keep reminding ourselves that it was Joelle’s money to do with as she pleases, no matter what we thought. I can’t tell you how many things she’s bought only to be forgotten within a couple of days. It’s been the topic of many heated discussions in our household.
What did I learn?
Did we somehow fail as parents when it comes to our daughter after succeeding with our son? No, of course not. Every child has his or her own personality and their own way of learning. Some will excel in certain areas and some in others. We haven’t harmed our daughter physically, emotionally or mentally, so we’re doing ok. In fact, we’re doing better than ok. Joelle told us this week that it’s time to pick her grade 11 courses for next year. There’s a new class being offered at her school called “managing your finances”. She says she wants to take this class because she knows she has problems when it comes to money and this course will help her both now and in the future. We didn’t bring up this topic; she did, all on her own. And Kim and I couldn’t be more proud of her.
Like Darrell put it so elegantly recently, Parenting is hard! It is, but it’s not an impossible task. All that’s ever expected of any parent raising children is that we give it our all, and hope that our kids turn out to be decent people. As I mentioned earlier, it can be quite daunting. We don’t know if the lessons we teach our kids, either through lecture or example are sinking in. They say children are like sponges but what will they remember in years to come?
All we can do is our best, and hope that someday, down the road, we will see the fruit of our labour. They may be growing up in a different world than we did, just like ours was different from our parents. But that doesn’t matter, good parenting bridges the generation gap. The stories we tell our kids may be different then those told to us by our parents, but the lessons are eternal.
Parenting is a difficult job. How many other jobs do you know of where you have to wait years to see how successful you were? No wonder raising children is such a scary thought for expecting parents. But rest assured, along the way you’ll see little milestones that will reassure you. I know I see them. Every time Ryan holds a door open for someone, or when Joelle tells a cashier she got too much change, I see some of our Kim and my teaching displayed in them.
It’s at times like these that I reflect on my job as a parent and think to myself, I’ve done good.
I’m Mark Des Cotes and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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