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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, I’m not a big fan of cranberry sauce, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I share two things I believe have given me a successful marriage.
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What I Learned Yesterday:
Last Friday night my cousin, Lacey, got married. It was a beautiful evening for an outdoor wedding, and really as nice as it gets here this time of year. Lacey was even more beautiful. After a short ceremony they were pronounced husband and wife and now they’re off on their honeymoon.
I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with her now husband, but he seems like a really great guy. I wish them a lifetime of happiness and love.
At their reception there was a table set up with pictures of them as kids and as an adult couple. There was also a place set up for us to write down words of advice to the newlyweds. My advice: let him play video games as often as he wants, and make him his favorite meal every Friday night.
No, that’s not what I said. I offered up two pieces of advice. First, I told them to always respect each other. Second, I told them to have fun.
I have to admit that when I said “I Do” to Kari Brunson, I had no idea what marriage was like. I certainly had no idea what a good marriage was like. As you know, my parents divorced when I was 9. My dad soon remarried and I spent the rest of my childhood as part of a blended family. We had a lot of great times, but I wouldn’t say that my dad and stepmom had a happy marriage.
When I was a junior in high school we had a couple of new teachers join the faculty. They were a husband and wife that taught different subjects for different grades. I never had him as a teacher, but I did have her. I think they had been married about 5 years at the time. They seemed really happy.
I remember one day some of the students asked her what it was like being married to him. She told us about their marriage and how great it was and that it was wonderful. She then said that they never fight. I couldn’t believe it. None of the other kids could either. We pressed her to find out the truth.
She then went on to say that they did disagree about things, and they do get upset about things, but they don’t fight about them. She used the opportunity to teach us something about marriage that up to that point was completely foreign to me. She said that they respect each other and when they disagree, they talk about it. They don’t shout, slam doors, throw out insults, or any of those types of things. They sit down, like adults, and they have a discussion.
Some of the kids were having a really hard time believing her story. They pressed her some more. They tried their best to get her to admit that they had had at least 1 fight. She denied it. She insisted that they had always worked things out in a calm and respectful way.
This blew my mind.
If you’re expecting me to say that my marriage is just like theirs, you’re wrong. However, I’m really proud of my marriage and I’m proud of the way Kari and I conduct ourselves when we disagree. While I can’t say that we’ve never had a fight in our 15 years of marriage, I bet I could count the fights on one hand.
Communication is one of the most important factors in any relationship and a marriage relationship is as important of a relationship as we will have. Kari and I communicated our goals early on about how we would respect each privately, publicly, and, when the time came, in front of our kids.
We decided that there were some fundamental things that would rule in every situation. First, we would not insult each other or members of the other person’s family. Next, we would never disrespect, insult, or purposefully embarrass the other person in front of others. Lastly, we would not hide our disagreements from our children. Instead, we would demonstrate proper conflict resolution so that they could learn from us. Also, all of the rules mentioned above also apply to how we would resolve conflict in front of the children.
These rules have served us well. I have never doubted that my wife loves and respects me because of the way she treats me publicly and privately. By the way, she treats me the same privately and publicly.
The next thing I offered the newlyweds was that they should have fun. At first this may seem like throw away advice, but it’s not.
I believe marriage should last until death do us part. I think most of us do. I don’t think most of us get married with the intention that it will just be a 10 year commitment. I can’t speak for any other marriage than my own, but I think a big part of our success is that we like to have fun.
Now our idea of fun is probably different than yours. That’s okay. We don’t have to get in the car and go some place to have fun. For us, fun happens in the silliness of everyday life. If I find something that brings a genuine laugh from Kari or one of the kids, I exploit it. They do the same.
The featured image for today’s episode is a picture I took of Kari and I while we were in Hawaii. It was our final night there and we decided to spend it at the beach. The kids were down in the water playing in the waves and Kari and I were sitting in the sand taking in the sunset.
I decided to stop taking pictures of the sunset and take a picture of us. We posed and took a picture, and then I took another one. I then followed that up with another, and another, and another. In rapid fire I took about 15 pictures. Kari thought this was weird and began laughing. Her laughter caused me to take more pictures and that caused her to laugh more.
It turned out to be a small moment in the grand scheme of our trip, but one of the most memorable for us. We just sat there on the beach, looking at the sunset, and laughing. Having fun is incredibly important.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
Marriage is not easy. The most important things in life are not easy. I honestly don’t know if there is someone on this planet that I could be happier with than Kari. I love her now way more than I did on the day we exchanged vows and I am so thankful to have her as my wife.
Communication and conflict all start with having and demonstrating respect to your spouse. Most people get married to someone because they enjoy being around them. Never stop doing those things that you did to make your spouse want to marry you in the first place.
I’m Darrell Darnell and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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