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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Mandy Wichert. I got my first stitches at the tender age of 11, from attempting to slide along a curly iron banister at the Biltmore Estates in North Carolina, and I believe if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. Today we’re looking at inspiration in unlikely places and tackling the battle of dealing with life when…“It’s not fair!”
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Battle for the Pink Bowl
Meal times at my house are becoming predictable. Not because we eat the same meals every day, but because just as dinner is being served, at any given meal we know we will probably hear the words “I want the pink bowl”. We bought a stack of brightly colored bowls and plates for the kids at IKEA some time ago. When we moved into the new home, I triumphantly unpacked the bowls and plates expecting my children to be excited about their new fun dinnerware. That lasted for a little while, as Renna was still developing her likes and dislikes. Marin has always favored pink, and I am used to her constant hunt for pink things and insistence that pink be somewhere on every outfit that she wears or at least on a bow in her hair, as if she will suddenly forget what pink looks like if she goes a day without it.
However, recently, maybe because of her over-exposure to pink, or maybe because she adores her older sister, or maybe just because she genuinely likes the color – Renna decided that pink was also her favorite color. Suddenly, there are not enough pink things to go around in my home. We have meltdowns if one child gets pink and the other has to suffer through eating with a yellow or purple bowl. During one such meltdown around dinnertime, Marin and Renna were both proclaiming their need for the pink bowl. Neither was going to be satisfied with orange or blue, to do so would threaten their sense of self. Marin actually even threatened not to eat if she did not get the pink bowl. So what did Clint and I do? What most would do…probably. We placed the pink bowl back in the cabinet and picked out two beautiful orange bowls for each of them. This worked that time; somehow they were both satisfied in being equally disappointed. If no one wins, then everyone wins. Of course, this eloquent solution is not always possible. There are times when only one pink bowl is available and I am at a state with dishes in the dishwasher that someone will have to be satisfied with injustice. It is at these moments we hear the dreaded words…”That’s not fair!”
Yes, you’re right. We’ll tell them, it may not be fair, but we must share and take turns. Sometimes things don’t go your way, and sometimes things in life are not going to seem fair, but you will get through it. You will be ok. We’ve also employed my husband’s tactic – killing two birds with one stone – every utterance of the phrase “That’s not fair!” earns a lap. Exercise and correction. Yes, really. It’s not hard to find a suitable location for the task, almost anywhere.
Having three children, we seem to come upon the “It’s not fair” lesson a lot. I know it’s a common milestone discussion for many children and honestly, it’s a lesson we still have to keep re-learning into adulthood. When things don’t go the way we think they should go, when we’re up for a promotion, but it goes to someone less qualified, when we spend the entire day cleaning the home just to have people lay things around as if our work is not important, when the last cookie disappears before you’ve even had one…when someone else gets the pink bowl.
I recently turned to Google to find some helpful strategies to deal with the “fairness” conundrum without giving into the “life’s not fair” catch phrase. When I did, I stumbled onto an unlikely source for an eloquent way confronting unfairness and adopting a more selfless attitude- comedian Louis CK. Admittedly, I have not watched an entire episode of his show, or even sat through an entire comedy sketch. He uses a bit of foul language and is a little more coarse than I can take, but this little clip I found, was truly a gem.
In the clip, Louis CK is confronted by his daughter who is visibly upset about not getting a mango popsicle like her sister got. She is demanding a mango popsicle and when Louis CK states that he’s sorry, but that there was only one, and it went to her sister.
The little girl whines “It’s not fair! Why did she get something and I didn’t?”
“That’s right,” he says, and continues cooking. “She’s a separate person from you. You’re never going to get the same things as other people. It’s not going to be equal You’re never going to get the same things as other people, it’s never going to be equal, ever in your life, so you might as well get used to that now. Sometimes she gets things you don’t and sometimes, it goes the other way. That’s just how life works.”
“But daddy,” she pleads, “it’s not fair!”
“Who said anything about fair?” he asks, a little incredulous. “You were just fine without it until she got it. What’s the problem?”
“It’s just not fair,” she insisted. “If she gets one, I should get one too.”
Then the little girl turns to bargaining. “Well, then I get something else yummy!” He restates her assumption, clearly bewildered.
“Look,” he says, “turning toward her and leaning down to meet her eyes “the only time you need to worry about what’s in your neighbor’s bowl is if you’re checking to make sure they have enough.”
Wow!
Here’s what I learned:
This clip got to me! Wow! What a concept! I think Louis CK was right on with this lesson. I’ve already started taking his words and applying them to the same conflict when it appears in my home. I’ve already shared the bowl analogy with my children. I think it’s a helpful reminder for us all though. Instead of inspecting others bowls – or others lives to compare and complain, we should instead only check to make sure that the person next to us is having their needs met, and that they have enough. Such a simple lesson in living a less selfish, less self-centered life.
I know it’s not easy, but let me encourage you to try along with me. Look at others differently. Help fill up a friend, co-worker’s, or neighbors bowl. Make sure they have enough. The next time you feel yourself begin a thought that takes you down the track of “it’s not fair” remember this clip. If you check your neighbors bowl, try only to check to make sure they have enough…and if you find that they have more than you, be happy for them and their good fortune. Celebrate with them, even when it’s difficult. Remember to be grateful for what you have, where you are and when you have it…even when you don’t get the pink bowl. We can’t after all, have the pink bowl every meal.
I’m Mandy Wichert, and this has been, “Stuff I Learned Yesterday.”
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