Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 20:23 — 12.3MB) | Embed

Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Stephanie Zimmer, (I made a return to podcasting this week after a three week hiatus), and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I share a lesson I learned from journeying with my father to his death.

Today’s Fun Fact:
In the Catholic tradition, November is a time to remember those who have passed away. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned that Halloween did not have satanic roots, but really was All Hallows Eve, the vigil of All Saints Day. This is celebrated on November 1st and November 2nd is the celebration of All Souls Day. The hispanic culture celebrates “el dia de los muertos,” which means “the day of the dead” to remember those who have gone before us. In many Catholic churches, the entire month is devoted to remembering the dead.

What I Learned Yesterday
When Darrell asked me to contribute an episode to the final season of Stuff I Learned Yesterday, I submitted an idea to talk about how my life goals are in a holding pattern due to not having a permanent job. Well, you know what they say about making plans. Life has a way of being unpredictable. I had no idea how much my life would change two weeks after that initial pitch.

On Tuesday, October 18th at around 12 noon I got a very unexpected call from a local hospital. In my short life, I have received many calls like this because my parents have both had many health issues, especially in the last several years. But this time it was different. As I got ready to leave for my seasonal retail job, I got a call that my dad had taken a bad fall and was in the hospital. After the first call from the social worker I was in shock. I didn’t understand how serious it was and I had planned to still go to work.

Over the next minutes, I received another call from his doctor. Although he shared the same kind of information as was in the first call, during this call the information started to sink in. The doctor told me that there was nothing they could do for my dad due to the severity of the bleed on his brain. With this information, my world collapsed. I couldn’t make sense of it. How could my dad, who was the most sprightly 80 year old man you would ever meet be hurt so badly? He’d fallen many times before over his life because of his disability, but how could this be the one that would take his life?

During that call from the neurologist, the severity of the situation was really taking hold. I realized that I had no other place to go. My priority needed to be to get to the hospital. They were talking to me about deciding what to do, and I started crying. I couldn’t even think straight to make a clear decision.

The hospital called my brother to fill him in and to ask him to come to the hospital. I next called my husband and he dropped everything to come home to take me to the hospital. I called my work to explain to them what was going on and they excused me for the rest of the week. Those two calls were made in tears. I also called my other brother to let him know after I had pulled myself together waiting for my husband. I posted a quick update online to ask for prayers. My husband came to get me and we were off. My brother who was meeting us there called me just as we were getting there to direct us where to go in the huge complex.

I rushed to the Neuro ICU to see my dad in a non-responsive state, looking very helpless. My husband, brother and me were all there when his neuro team came into the room. They told us the same information that I was given on the phone – that there was nothing that they could do. He would never wake up and eventually the bleed would increase until all functioning ceased. Once again the tears began. They asked us to make a decision. My brother had not had to make a decision like this in 30 years, when he was in a similar situation with his mother – my dad’s first wife. We talked it over briefly in private, but it seemed clear that there was only one option. He was never going to recover. We decided to take out his breathing tube and let him die in peace.

The NICU staff was very kind to us as we sat there for hours on that Tuesday night. They told us that there is no way to guess how long it would take. It could be hours or it could be days. The three of us kept vigil. Security brought down the possessions he brought with him – a rosary, a miraculous medal, his cash in a money clip, his cell phone and his watch. We went through his phone contacts and 99 percent of them made no sense to me. I called the family members I could find in his phone and let them know what was going on. Shock was the reaction of everyone.

By the evening of that Tuesday night, nothing had changed in his status. He sounded like he was snoring while sleeping. The signs they mentioned to look for were not there. Dad was not ready to go yet.

My husband left for a time to his evening job, but promised to return as soon as he could. We decided it was time to leave by early evening and asked the nurse to call us if anything changed. I emailed my chorus manager to let her know what was going on and that I wouldn’t be at the evening rehearsal and emailed my spiritual director asking to update my women’s group and asking for their prayers.

On Wednesday morning I had made plans to return to the hospital with my cousin. Angie, her sister and I had grown up together as cousins even though we aren’t related by blood. Their dad and mine were best friends, and to them, he was always their second father. He was Uncle Gene. After I picked her up and made a brief stop at my apartment, I received a call through my Bluetooth car radio from my husband’s school. They reported to me that he had taken a fall at work and asked me what hospital to send him to. I asked them to use the same hospital my dad was at since we were already headed there. Suddenly this short trip to see my dad had turned into a much bigger ordeal. We headed to the hospital and spent some time with my dad. The day before, I said some things that needed to be said to him. Today it was my cousin’s turn. A little after we arrived we talked to the case manager who said that my dad’s case was now one of hospice and that I would have to fill out paperwork and meet with a hospice nurse. She couldn’t meet me for an hour, so we headed down to the ER to see my husband.

At the ER, we found my husband who seemed to be very out of it. He recognized the two of us but had no idea what happened to him. The truth of his accident would come out in the coming days. I got in contact with his oldest son who in turn informed the rest of his siblings. I also talked to other family members. His doctor explained that he had also had a brain bleed, but to a much less severe extent than my dad. He stayed in the ER for quite a while, so after about an hour there, we headed back to my dad’s room to meet with the hospice nurse. I was familiar with all the paperwork since I had gone through it with my mom just a year before. My cousin called her work to let them know she wouldn’t be coming in. After the paperwork was complete and she had answered my questions, we headed back to the ER to stay with my husband. After more nurses and doctors had visited him and his wound on his arm was stitched, he was moved to NICU and was right next door to my dad. My husband had the fracture in his cheekbone treated temporarily, but the ENT doctors let me know that surgery would have to be done, which happened a few days later.

After being there practically all day and meeting with several other doctors and nurses for my husband, we decided to let him be. We spent more time with my dad and I continued to update my husband’s family on his status. As evening arrived we decided we had been there long enough and headed out for the day. I kissed my dad and husband goodbye and told him I would see him soon.

On Wednesday night, I went to my symphony chorus rehearsal and was vigilant to both my husband’s and my cell phone. I got a call from the hospice nurse in the midst of rehearsal to let me know that my dad’s breathing was in bigger gaps. This situation could be resolved on its own or it could get worse. I called my brother to let him know after rehearsal. I went to bed that evening and just like the night before, wasn’t sure if I would see my father alive again.

At 3:20 am I got the call I was dreading. I was informed that my dad had passed away. I called my brother who didn’t answer but called me back as I was approaching the hospital. I called my cousin who asked me to call, no matter the hour. Since my husband was still in the hospital, I got dressed and drove to the hospital. The hospice nurse informed me when she called that my dad was in a private room and told me how to get there if I decided to come in.

The floor nurse took me to his room and gave me as much time as I needed. I held his hand and cried. I again told him I loved him and cried over the time lost. It felt so much like when my mom’s nursing home called to tell me the same news for my mom a year before, but in that case I didn’t see her when she was dying. I felt lucky to have had the time I had to see my dad before the end. I know he heard me even though he couldn’t respond. A bit later I went out in hallway and the hospice nurse sat with me. She took care of informing the funeral home after I left. I tried to sleep when I got home, but it seemed obvious that that would not happen. I waited until it was a reasonable hour to talk to the rest of the family and to post the news online.

I called for an update to find out how my husband was and learned that he was moved to a regular room. He would be moved a few more times in the next several days and finally to be released on Sunday.

Weeks ago, the Green Bay Packers had been in contact with the Milwaukee Symphony inviting the orchestra and chorus to perform at the game on Thursday, October 20th. In the previous two weeks I practiced the music with the group and did a recording session to use for the game. When I informed my chorus manager about my dad, I told her that I intended to go to the game even if it happened after he passed. That afternoon, I went to meet the bus and traveled to Green Bay. My dad was a huge fan and a singer so he would have wanted me to go. I received comfort and support from the chorus and the manager told me she was glad I was there. Because of everything that had been going on, I was not able to get the clothes I needed for the performance (because an order was delayed) but she told me that we would make it work and asked chorus members to bring extras.

The afternoon and evening at Lambeau Field was a whole new experience as I had never been there before. I wished my dad could have heard all about it, but he had the best seat in the house to experience it. My husband’s fall caused short term memory loss so despite me telling him about it and showing him pictures and videos of it, he remembered nothing in the following days. He still doesn’t remember anything from his time in the hospital and very little in the days following, but each day he continues to improve. I enjoyed the time in Green Bay very much and got a little sleep. I was grateful that a friend could take care of my dog overnight. On Friday I was awakened by an early phone call from another friend. She offered to take my dog for the weekend to help out. I put Bree’s food together and she came to the hospital in the afternoon to pick up the key to pick her up from my apartment.

On Friday I met my brother at the funeral home to make arrangements for our dad. When my mom passed away, most of the plans had already been made, but for my dad a few more decisions had to be made. It was good that he was there to help out. In the afternoon I went to the hospital to be with my husband because he was to have surgery on his fractured cheekbone. His surgery was delayed a bit and I stayed with him and his daughter. Eventually he was taken to surgery and I stayed with his daughter as long as I could. In the early evening I left for a chorus rehearsal and asked his daughter to text her dad’s phone with updates. Throughout these few days, I could feel so much support from the chorus as we headed towards our performances that weekend.

On Saturday morning I spent a little more time at the hospital and in the early afternoon I picked up my dog from my friend’s house because I had missed her so much. She stayed with me from then on as things started to calm down. On Saturday evening I had the first of two chorus concerts and after we finished our music, I returned to my phone to multiple missed calls and voicemails from my husband requesting to be picked up. I can’t say that I blamed him. He called several more times that night and on Sunday morning. It was clear that he was on the road to recovery and was going stir crazy in the hospital. I returned to the hospital on Sunday after going to church and stayed with him until his release. We received our at-home instructions from the discharge nurse and on Monday, the hospital called to let us know when the follow up appointments would be. I contacted my husband’s family to stay with my husband on Monday to take care of a few things for my dad.

I went to his church in the morning to make arrangements for the funeral mass and in the afternoon I met my brother and niece at my dad’s room to clean it out. I have had this experience once before with my mom, but she had gotten rid of so much already that there was not much left to sort. The opposite was true for my dad who had continued to accumulate things in his later life. It was a big project, but within a few hours, we had everything cleared except for the furniture. Most things were dumped, some were saved and many were donated. We loaded up my RAV4 with bags and other things to take to Goodwill, and they took the things they wanted to their home.

That evening and the following day things started to settle down. I contacted my work to let them know that my dad had passed and that I would need to take care of my husband due to an accident. They were kind and took me off the schedule for the week.

On Wednesday, October 26th we had my dad’s funeral. My uncles came up from Kentucky and Michigan, and our family had a reunion which was nice despite the terrible circumstances. My aunt gave me prints of photos that one of my uncles had and I put out a few other things for the visitation including his wide variety of rosaries. My cousins each took one to remember him by and they and my nieces all cried with me. Many tears were shed but in the end I know that he is no longer suffering. I was grateful for the family there as well as many friends who came.

The funeral mass was beautiful. I know my dad would have liked the readings I chose, two of which were also used for my mom’s funeral, and the church choir who sang with my dad did a great job with the music. The music director who worked with my dad as a cantor and choir member sang the Ave Maria beautifully. My brother gave a short eulogy on his early life with my other brother and my dad and my cousin read a poem that she wrote for him and gifted me with a painting she made. It was a difficult day, but it was good to be together. After our family lunch after the burial, my uncle and nephew went over to my dad’s room to load up my dad’s power wheelchair (that he buzzed around with all over his neighborhood) and walker for my other uncle to use in Michigan.

On Thursday, I contacted a friend with a truck to help to move out my dad’s furniture. She asked to take his lift chair for her father and with her daughter they loaded up the rest of the furniture to take to Goodwill. With the funeral finished, I could now focus on my husband’s health and focus on the good progress he was making each day.

The relationship I had with my dad was not always a good one. He caused some great hurts in my life that I have had to heal from. However, there are more good memories than bad although the remnants of his past mistakes still linger. Although he didn’t always show it the way he could have, he loved his family and his faith life was very important to him.

For many funerals, my dad sang the song “Softly and Tenderly.” In his final days the song continued to play in my head. How appropriate it was for him in those final days. I requested the song to be sung at his funeral, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. My cousins brought up the bread and wine during it, and they too were in tears.

Here are the words of my cousin’s poem she shared. I was in tears as she read this.
Softly,
Tenderly,
Jesus was calling.
You heard His voice,
You saw His light,
and your soul
Took its flight.
Leaving behind
its earthly vessel,
In Jesus’ arms
You now nestle.
“Welcome home!”
He says to thee,
“Open your eyes and you will see,
Listen, and you will hear,
for the heavenly choir is near.”
“It is time to take your place, so please,
let’s make haste.”
You look upon your Master’s face,
He smiles, and you continue at His pace.
“Here we are,
it was not far!’
“Bestow upon him a choir robe,
for now he is now the cantor
with the angels, singing heavenly song…”
“Bring joy to all, with your wondrous voice.”
“Now let the Heaven bells ring,
it is time for Gene to do his thing!”

Here’s What I Learned
When Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem to be crucified, he tried to tell his disciples that his time was coming but they didn’t understand. During the time that my dad was dying, I was in a similar headspace. I couldn’t understand how my dad’s time could be so short when he had so much life left to lead.

We don’t know how much time we have left. With both of my parents, they were taken too fast with no warning and within a year of each other. Our time on earth is so short. I thought I would have much more time with my dad, but the creator had a different plan. God thought I was strong enough to handle my dad’s death and my husband’s recovery all at the same time and in those times when I wasn’t strong enough, he sent his angels (in the form of family and friends holding us in prayer and intention) to do the heavy lifting. He sent friends who offered to take care of my dog so I’d have one less thing to worry about and family members who provided us meals during a very stressful time. I cannot express how much each of these acts of charity meant and how grateful we have been for them. We will move forward knowing that God and everyone else in our lives has our backs.

Treasure the people in your life. Tell them you love them every chance you get. Ask for help when you need it. Give back to those who give you help. And most of all, take time with those you love. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but use the little time that we have on this earth to be present to those in your life. Before you’re ready to let them go, the choice may be taken out of your hands. Softly and tenderly Jesus was calling. Calling my dad home and many before him. This November, I will remember my parents and many others who has passed away who continue to teach me from the other side.

I’m Stephanie Zimmer and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.

Follow Golden Spiral Media on Twitter at GSMPodcasts and facebook.com/goldenspiralmedia. To subscribe to Stuff I Learned Yesterday visit goldenspiralmedia.com/subscribe.  If you’d like to join our popular Facebook group please go to facebook.com/groups/stuffilearnedyesterday and if you’ve enjoyed this episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I would be grateful if you’d leave a review in iTunes by going to goldenspiralmedia.com/itunes.