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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Barb Rankin, I really dislike ironing clothes, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I share a lessons I’ve learned about power struggles, at home and at work.
Fun Fact:
Christopher Columbus was born in Genoa, Italy about 1451. As a teenager, he got a job on a merchant ship and remained on the seas until his ship was sunk by privateers, off the coast of Lisbon, Portugal. He decided to remain there, and studied for several years.
Columbus believed that it was possible to sail westward to Asia rather than south around Africa, and then east. He tried to get funding for his journey from Portugal and England, but it was Spain’s king and queen, Ferdinand and Isabella, who finally agreed in 1491, to provide what he required. On August 3, 1492, Columbus left Spain with three ships, the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. He landed on October 12th on one of the small islands in the Bahamas, and spent months sailing the Caribbean looking for Asian treasures, since that is where he believed he was. Columbus ultimately made 4 trips to the region, but never found Asia. He mapped the coasts of Central and South America in the Caribbean but never stepped foot on North American soil.
The first Columbus Day celebration ever recorded was held in New York in 1792 to honor Italian American heritage and to mark the day that Columbus landed in the Caribbean. In 1892, President Benjamin Harrison issued a proclamation that encouraged Americans to honor the 400th anniversary of that landing, and in 1937, President Franklin Roosevelt proclaimed a new national holiday on October 12th to honor Christopher Columbus, after pressure from the Knights of Columbus. In 1971, congress changed the holiday to the 2nd Monday in October rather than October 12th, to enable a 3-day weekend.
The holiday is considered controversial because Columbus changed the lives of the people who lived in the Caribbean, and some states, cities and other countries instead celebrate Indigenous People Day in its place.
And that is how October 12th originally became a national holiday in the United States for a man who never landed in North America, and why it has been changed to the 2nd Monday of October today.
This comes to you from The Washington Post and from History.com.
What I Learned Yesterday:
It was early morning, and I was getting ready for work. He thrust one of his shirts toward me and told me to iron it for him. He didn’t ask – he ordered.
It was early in our marriage, and the power struggle was on.
I’d like to say that I reacted in an adult manner, and worked toward problem solving in that moment, but I didn’t. My temper and actions exploded at the same time, and in one mighty push, all of the unironed shirts hanging in the closet went crashing to the floor. “Do it yourself.” He laughed and he did.
Who do you think won that power struggle? If you said, no one, you’d be correct. We both lost. We both wanted to take and keep control according to our own terms. Ultimately we reached a tentative agreement that some shirts would go to the cleaners and we would split ironing duties on others, but that was only the first of what would be many power struggles between us, and they served to build resentment between two strong willed personalities. First it was chores, then money, and then on to more serious issues. When power struggles continue for a long period of time without resolution, communication breaks down and relationships can suffer and ultimately fall apart.
According to GoMentor.com, power struggles can be defined as people who in a relationship fighting about who is in control, with both trying to dominate the relationship in one way or another.
While we may often think of power struggles in relation to politics or the office, they are very real in our personal lives. Power struggles occur between spouses, between parents and children, between friends, and between co-workers. They are often stressful, and can leave you exhausted and discouraged. They can make you resentful, especially if you are the one that feels controlled.
Children will often attempt to take control as they age and push limits with their parents. During my most difficult teenage years, I disagreed with my mother’s instructions one day, promptly went to my room, slammed the door, and threw my hairbrush at the closed door. It was the first and last time that I threw anything. She immediately re-established the boundaries and took control, clearly showing me that parents are there to guide us in our behaviors. In other areas, she shared control, such as the time we were allowed to pick specific household tasks and chores as part of a family effort, all with the same level of basic responsibility and difficulty. This allowed my brother and me to be part of the decision making process while feeling that we had an element of control – and while showing us the value of good communication.
What drives power struggle behavior?
Feeling as if you have no power, that you are not understood, that you are not protected or loved can lead to hurt, and this can turn into a strong desire to control your circumstances so that you are not in that situation ever again. This situation can be compounded by poor communication, fighting, anger, and the desire for revenge.
When you have control, you don’t want to give it up, and you can’t imagine losing control. It’s easy for you to begin thinking highly of yourself, that you are powerful. Your ego inflates. You push boundaries, and see how far you can go – how much you can get away with. You can become demanding and aggressive, further alienating those around you.
After my divorce a number of years later, I was left wounded and felt that my life had spiraled out of control. I turned to work to fill the void, and set out to prove that I was worth something. I joined other young professionals at my company in a management development program that was structured to mimic a company board of directors, with a president, vice-president, and secretary. I watched a few of the individuals form power circles to enable them to advance through the “chair” positions and successfully “graduate” from the board. They seemed to be successful and in control, so, when some of the individuals with whom I participated on the board decided that it was time for one individual to ascend to one of the leadership positions, I helped secure the votes to make it happen. We were on our own little power trip, and we won that power struggle to the shock of the young woman who actually deserved the position. And I felt …… horrible about it.
I knew I had crossed a line. All the lessons my mother had taught me about treating other people with respect, had just been thrown away without a thought. All for a desire to win a power struggle to prove that I was in control.
Here’s what I learned.
We all know when we’ve gotten out of line.
When we’ve broken the rules.
When we haven’t treated someone with respect.
What shocked me was how easy it was to be pulled into that power struggle and allow bad behavior to take over.
So what can you do?
The most powerful thing you can do is to take a deep breath, step back and assess the situation. Communicate with the individual to understand what is driving your behavior, their behavior, and the need for one or both of you to win the matter at hand. If a friend, co-worker or someone else tries to pull you into their power struggle, consider the long-term consequences and be prepared to walk away. Try to take the emotion out of it. Get advice from a trusted confidante.
We will engage in power struggles beginning with our childhood and on through our adult lives. Recognize and understand when you are in them, and focus on achieving a healthy resolution, such as better communication and understanding what is causing you or someone else to seek control.
You have the power to change the dynamics of the relationship and to change the outcome. Appreciate the positive power that you can bring to each of your relationships, and treat that power, and each person, with respect.
I’m Barb Rankin and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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