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I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “you gotta pick your battles.” Usually, this phrase is said when giving in to someone on an issue to avoid argument or acquiescing to something you don’t really want but unfortunately can’t control. It’s used to refer to when you chose not to fight and is usually accompanied by a sigh of regret or frustration. “You can’t win ‘em all,” you might say when choosing to stay out of it.
Parents use this phrase often when they allow their children to have a treat or a privilege that they don’t normally receive. It might involve letting them stay up late, spend more time playing video games, or allowing them to have another helping of ice cream. “Sometimes, you gotta pick your battles,” one beleaguered parent might say to another, hoping either for sympathy or agreement- or both! In these situations, giving in is not usually a reward for good behavior; in fact, it’s often a bribe to avoid bad behavior.
That doesn’t sound right, does it? That’s not really what picking your battles should be; that sounds more like choosing your moments of when to be a pushover. I’m not saying you have to be strict all the time and never allow for moments of levity. In fact, when my sister is in town with her kids and we all meet up at my dad’s house, she lets them pretty much eat whatever they want when grandma and grandpa are hosting – usually at holiday times when desserts are plentiful anyway and vegetables are considered optional.
The difference with that example, though, is that my sister’s practice as a permissive parent is consistent with the context in which she allows it. My nieces know all bets are off on vacation in Maryland, but they don’t expect the gravy train to keep going when they return to Boston. My sister didn’t pick her battle by rolling over every time it became too hard to stand firm against begging, whiney children. She strategically chose when to fight that fight and when there would be no argument at all.
Now, I’m using a parenting anecdote, but this incorrect interpretation of picking your battles can be seen elsewhere as well. People use the phrase when dealing with a domineering coworker or an authoritative boss, for example, whenever they back off or let the bully get their way. I say “incorrect” because choosing your battles should never be about determining when to surrender but rather figuring out when making a stand is the right thing to do and is worth the trouble of defending.
Let me give you an example from my workplace. One of the duties I’m often called upon to do is to provide audio visual support to teachers and students in my high school. On some occasions I have to assist with full-scale video productions and on others I simply have to convert a YouTube video for use with a lesson.
When I first started working as a media specialist, I used to drive myself crazy fighting with the teachers and students to get them to understand that video production is not a quick process, and they had to give me a lot of notice before their deadline. If they came to me with a last minute request, I would get angry, complain, and generally give them a hard time about not understanding what they were asking me to do.
But the truth of the matter was that even if I made one or two people understand the near impossibility of cranking out a video in one day, the faculty or student body as a whole was never going to be able to put themselves in my shoes with any kind of consistent results. Therefore, this battle was going to keep happening again and again.
So here’s where picking my battles came into play. I had to select which things were worth sticking to my guns about and what allowances I was going to have to make for people who waited until the last minute. So I decided to offer only positive responses to people’s inquiries about video production needs. “You need a video produced?” I would say. “No problem! I can provide you with cameras, tripods, and studio space, as long as you get your actors together with a script and schedule the time to film them. I’ll even help them if they have trouble! What? You don’t have people for your video? Okay, come back to me when you’re ready with that then!” No scolding, no fuming. Just offers of help embedded in firm reminders about their responsibility in the matter.
As for teachers who come to me with a YouTube video they want downloaded for a lesson or a school-wide broadcast… well, I’ve decided not to fight that battle. Should they have waited until the last minute to ask me? No! But is it going to kill me to take five minutes to download it for them? Not really. It’s not conducive to cultivating a reputation of helpfulness if I nickel and dime my colleagues or students over procedural nuances that they couldn’t possibly be expected to remember if they only use my services once in a school year, if that.
That’s choosing your battles. Some people also call it dying on a mountain, as in: “Are you sure you want to die on that particular mountain?” In other words, stop and ask yourself, is this something that’s worth the emotional drain that comes from getting angry, frustrated, and huffy, or am I just being stubborn about something that doesn’t really matter? It’s a distinction that explains why I refuse to budge when it comes to food and drink in the library, but I turn a blind eye to ear buds in use at a study table.
Here’s what I learned.
Picking your battles should be from a position in which victory is important, justified, and more likely, not from a submissive posture of choosing a more acceptable defeat. When you take a stand such that those you confront, whether it be co-workers, family members, or children, have to at least see your point of view in order to proceed amicably in their interactions with you, you’ll not only earn their respect, you’ll feel better about supporting your principles. And choosing battles doesn’t have to mean fighting but rather standing firm in your position and remaining consistent.
I’ve learned that putting this form of interaction into practice has actually lessened the number of actual arguments I get into. In essence, picking my battles has eliminated most of the battles altogether because people know where I stand on certain issues, where I’m flexible, and where I simply won’t budge. My fellow teachers know I won’t produce their videos unless they provide the talent and the schedule. My nieces know they won’t get to eat cookies for dinner once they leave their grandparents’. And my students know what they can and can’t get away with in the media center.
It’s all about creating expectations, remaining consistent, and standing up for your principles. Picking your battles will not only help you avoid conflict, it will lessen the stress in your life and in the lives of those around you. So go out there and win your battles, so that you can avoid the war.
I’m Michael Ahr, and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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