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Telling Someone Is Better Than Willpower
My willpower used to be pretty strong when it came to donuts. When I was on a low carb diet during the days when Atkins and South Beach were making the rounds, I discovered it was true what they say about your body chemistry changing. After awhile of sticking to high-protein foods and staying away from bread and pasta, you start to lose your craving for those carb-heavy items – including donuts. Pretty cool! In fact, every month on a Friday, the different departments at the high school where I work host a breakfast for the staff. Sometimes the math teachers would bring in goodies; other times it would be the English instructors treating us to yummy food. Whether there were homemade treats or fruit or bagels or eggs depended on what people signed up to bring, but there were always donuts. And for the year I was doing the low-carb thing – around 2003-2004 – I was able to walk right by that table. I considered myself to have good willpower, ascribing the ability to resist temptation to some mental fortitude rather than the chemistry of cravings.
Well, when I got married, it became pretty impossible to stay low-carb, and not just because it fell out of fashion health-wise. My wife is an amazing cook, and she definitely includes pasta and baked goods in her repertoire, and I’m thankful for the wonderful meals she prepares in providing for our family. I certainly don’t blame her for any kind of “falling off the wagon” in that sense. However, that being said, I certainly can’t walk by the donut table anymore. With my body seeking out carbohydrates once more, the craving for bread and other starchy items returned with a vengeance. So much for my having strong willpower!
But what if that’s not it? What if it’s more about a sense of responsibility to yourself to avoid unhealthy foods like donuts if that’s your goal? And it doesn’t just have to be about food and dieting. What if willpower isn’t about resisting temptation or making sure you stick to a task without distractions? What if it’s about holding yourself accountable for the choices you make and not blaming some abstract concept like willpower, which, like the devil and angel on your shoulder, is often thought of as being disconnected from the self, even though intellectually, we know that’s really not how it works?
I recently made a discovery at work when we lost our secretary due to budget cuts. My colleague in the school’s library and I went from a staff of three to a staff of two, and we had to figure out how to pick up some of the tasks our secretary used to take care of. Some of the work fell naturally into place, such as me taking over the financial records, since I already was in charge of procurement, and like her taking over the book displays since she did a majority of the materials selection anyway. But other tasks were less clear cut, and we had to actively concentrate on getting some of the more menial work done in a timely fashion.
The discovery I made was this: if I relied on my own sense of internal discipline in getting something menial done, such as reshelving books, it would pretty much always take a back seat to more important (or likely more interesting) tasks. But if I told my co-worker that I was going to reshelve books, I was much more likely to actually follow through. I felt more accountable for getting it done because I had said it out loud.
Now the key here is there wasn’t any real pressure from my colleague. She’s not my boss or anything – we’re on equal footing. And she wouldn’t harbor any resentment if I said I was going to reshelve books and then I didn’t do it. She’d just assume I got busy with something else. Regardless, the act of telling her I was going to do it was enough to make me feel that I had to do what I said. And that made the difference. It’s almost as though I had the support of my friend and co-worker in addition to whatever supposed willpower I exercised in accomplishing the task.
Well, once I saw how well that worked, I started doing it more at home, too. I remember when I first got married wondering why my wife would always tell me what she was going to make for dinner during the week on Sunday before she went shopping. I mean, clearly she didn’t need my permission or assistance, and she knew I’d be happy with whatever she came up with for our meals. But I think she was not only trying to include me in the process, she was also organizing her thoughts by using me as a sounding board.
Now I find myself doing that kind of thing all the time. As the weekend starts, just as Darrell does after the Friday Forum, I say out loud what it is I’m hoping to accomplish, whether it’s mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathrooms, or changing the water in the fish tank. Sure, my wife may agree that the grass is looking a bit long, but she’s not the type to nag me with a honey-do list. All of the motivation and accountability is really coming from within me. I feel like I have to do what I said I’d do, not for my wife necessarily but for myself and for the benefit of my family.
But here’s the thing. Even though the motivation becomes intrinsic – almost feeling like willpower – the person that you tell about your goals is usually someone who will support you if you need them to. Maybe you’ll even receive some assistance, and even if that help isn’t necessary, it’s at least appreciated. If I say I’ll reshelve the books, maybe my colleague will pitch in. If I mention cleaning the bathrooms, maybe my wife will grab a sponge – you never know! Even if you don’t expect help or even need it, you certainly wouldn’t turn it down, and it might even make the job more enjoyable with company.
And back to my donut example, it works with things you have to do alone, too. Having trouble with your diet or exercise routine? Mention it to a friend, a spouse, or a neighbor. Maybe they’ll put on their jogging shoes to go with you, or maybe they’ll just give you some much needed encouragement. Either is certainly better than trying to rely just on your own willpower.
Here’s what I learned.
You don’t need to go it alone even on your most personal goals. Whether you need some outside encouragement or just a proxy for your own internal sense of accountability, telling someone else what you’re trying to do can go a long way towards ensuring that your goals will be achieved. I mean, when you think about it, it makes total sense – everything is better with a friend! Even if you’re just trying to call your mom more often or pay your bills on time each month, telling someone and getting a friendly nod in return could be all you need to keep your word to yourself. After all, that’s why we tell each other our New Year’s resolutions, right?
It may not always work, but I definitely feel much more accountable when someone knows I’m trying to get something accomplished than I would be if I was just trying to motivate myself to stop checking Facebook and Twitter for the thousandth time and get some actual work done. Even though the people in your life might not care one way or the other if you get off your butt, they certainly make a great stand-in for your own conscience.
I’m Michael Ahr, and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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