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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Barb Rankin, I’m honored to be bringing you the final Stuff I Learned Yesterday episode of 2015, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I take a look back at my 2015 goal of lending a Helping Hand to another caregiver and talk about how things didn’t turn out the way I expected.
Today’s fun fact:
Today’s Fun Fact: I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to believe that it’s already December 30th and the new year is less than 2 short days away.
This is the time of year when we are inundated with college football bowl games. According to ncaa.com, there are 41 bowl games between December 19th and January 11th. The last game played, on the 11th, will be here in Phoenix, and that is the national championship playoff between the Orange Bowl winner (which will be either Clemson or Oklahoma) and Cotton Bowl winner (Alabama vs. Michigan State). So, GSM community, for which team do you think Darrell will be rooting? If “pigskin” doesn’t whet your palate, today is Bacon Day (International Bacon Day is in September). So instead of watching football, celebrate by going out for a big breakfast with a nice side of bacon.
If you are bored with the halftime show, why don’t you use the time to knock out a Friday Forum contribution? As of Monday, the mailbag was empty so you still have time to get in your contribution. We also want to have plenty in the mailbag before Stuff I Learned Yesterday returns from hiatus in late February. Head on over to https://www.goldenspiralmedia.com/feedback and use the form on that page to submit your written or audio message. You can also use the Speakpipe widget on the side of the page or you can call our voice feedback line at 304-837-2278.
What I learned yesterday.
Last December and January, Darrell shared his 2015 goals with the GSM community, and he encouraged all of us to do likewise. The premise was simple – set goals, share them – and encourage each other during the year as we strive for those goals. We’ve already heard Darrell and several other folks talk about what they accomplished and what they learned during 2015.
I only set one personal goal for myself this past year.
As many of you know, I moved my Mom into a Memory Care facility in May, 2014, as her dementia had progressed to the point that she required 24 hour care. Up to that point, she was still living independently, but I was handling all her financial affairs, transportation, shopping, laundry, cleaning, and ensuring she ate and took her medicine. She became ill in January of that year, and I realized that I didn’t have the elder care expertise that could be provided by skilled caregivers. What I also didn’t realize at the time, was that I wasn’t taking care of myself. I hadn’t taken a vacation in almost 4 years, I wasn’t staying in touch with family and friends, I gained weight, and I wasn’t a very pleasant person at work at times. I wasn’t doing Mom or me or anyone around me much good.
Like so many other people, I find it difficult to ask for help. While I was taking care of Mom, did I ask anyone to help me? No…. but – when it was time to move her, I asked for help, and several friends lent a helping hand by moving everything out of Mom’s apartment to either her new home, my home, Goodwill or the dump. One friend helped me determine how to fit and place the furniture and set up the bathroom and linens. Another friend flew here, to Arizona, from Florida to help me sort and tag clothes and finish cleaning out and cleaning up the apartment, and provided much needed moral support. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them.
By the time Mom moved into her new home, I had a fairly good understanding of how difficult it was to be the sole caregiver for an elderly relative. So that one goal I gave myself for 2015 was to find another person who was a caregiver, and help them by doing tasks for them to lighten their load; give that person a temporary reprieve; give them a break.
I’m a task-oriented person – I like to make lists and cross things off when I get them done. So I envisioned myself running errands for someone – the types of things I had been doing. I thought that would be how I accomplished my goal.
Boy – was I wrong. Like I said earlier, I’m not the only person who doesn’t like to ask for help. What I found instead was that people wanted to know what to do and how to do it. They wanted to know what my experience had been and how I had handled it.
We as humans like to think we have control over situations, and as they say, “the best laid plans….” However, if I tried to take on tasks when another person didn’t wish to relinquish control, I wasn’t exactly helping that individual. So along the way, I changed my approach.
I know quite a few friends and co-workers who are now caring for elderly parents. I reached out to them and let them know that they could talk to me anytime. I provided the names of two books that I have found extremely helpful.
One is “When Your Loved One Has Dementia” by Joy Glenner (and 4 other authors), and the other is “The 36 Hour Day” by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins. These books are excellent resources for caregivers and help you understand what to expect, what to ask, and how to support your loved one as they struggle with dementia. Both are available on Amazon.
I’ve also provided links to on-line checklists for folks who are researching independent, assisted, or memory care facilities. These can be found at:
I’ll include the links in the show notes if you would like these for reference.
I’ve sat with a friend at the hospital and advised her of the kinds of questions I’ve asked doctors when my Mom had a similar circumstance. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for several co-workers as they’ve begun their journey and felt overwhelmed. I’ve been a sounding board for another co-worker as he tries to determine when and how to take away his parents car keys.
So what have I learned?
I’ve learned that lending a helping hand may actually mean lending a listening ear, or lending a shoulder to cry on, or lending your two hands to help pick someone up when they are down. Simply being there can be one of the most important things you can do for someone else. It’s important to know that you’re not alone on your journey – it is too easy to become isolated – it happened to me and I didn’t even realize it was happening at the time. It was also a reminder to me that I can and should ask for help when I need it. We are a community and we don’t have to do it alone.
And speaking of community, you know by now that Karen, one of our GSM hosts, and her husband, Sean, have had an incredibly difficult year, and will be happy to put 2015 behind them. You probably heard Karen talk about it during last week’s Stuff I Learned Yesterday, and her gratitude for all the assistance they have received. They need to raise about $13,000 to cover their medical expenses, and as of Monday evening, have raised $5,445. I would be so grateful if you can help them, and you can find more information at www.goldenspiralmedia.com/karen which will redirect you to their gofundme page.
And with this, I think it’s time to call 2015 a wrap. 2015 was a good year for me but I’m also looking forward to beginning 2016. I hit a birthday milestone this year, and I’m beginning to set some new things in motion as I prepare for the next stage of my life. I’ll carry a few things forward:
Lending a helping hand…..
Asking for help when I need it…
And working to strengthen my community ties, because….
Being here for each other …. Supporting each other … Caring for each other ….
Isn’t that a wonderful way to make a difference!
I’m Barb Rankin and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
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