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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, my favorite cookie is oatmeal raisin, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I share a story of conflict and confession.
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What I Learned Yesterday:
Today’s episode is another one that shares a very personal story. I think there are only four people that are aware of this story until today, but it’s a story that I believe can help all of us.
The story begins a little over 4 years ago and it involves one of my uncles. We were preparing for my son’s birthday party and I wanted to invite him. On my way home from work one night, I gave him a call. When he answered the phone he sounded odd, like I was interrupting something. I thought I’d be silly so I called him by his first name and didn’t include the word uncle. We spoke for a few minutes and I invited him to the party. He thanked me and we hung up. After I hung up I again thought the conversation was odd, but dismissed it.
Later that night my uncle called me back. It turned out that he was watching a movie with his family when I called and he was distracted. However, he was calling to tell me that he would not be coming to the party and that he was quite upset with me. He did not approve of my only calling him by his first name and felt like not using the word uncle was disrespectful. He told me that he had grown very tired of my disrespectful attitude over the years and if I ever disrespected him in person again he would take me out side and give me a beating.
Needless to say, I was quite shocked at what I was hearing. I asked him to explain how I had been disrespecting him over the years. He said that many times when we had been together at family functions, I would tease him, make fun of him in someway, or say something sarcastic to him. Well, this was absolutely true. To me, this was one of my favorite things about my uncle. I loved that when we got together, I could joke around with him. I had no clue that what I thought were jokes, he took as insults.
I apologized profusely and told him that I never meant to hurt him. He seemed to accept my apology, but still said he would not be coming to the party.
My wife had overheard my end of the conversation so when I got off the phone, she wanted to know what in the world was going on. When I explained to her what had happened she was surprised too. I also mentioned the part about my uncle wanting to take me outside and punch me. My wife was furious! She wanted to take him outside and punch him!
Like most families, my family has its fair share of personal conflict. Growing up it seemed there was always a time when someone was mad at someone else and refused to come to a function if so and so was going to be there. I’ve always thought this type of behavior was foolish and, to be honest, childish. I did not want this to turn into that type of situation, nor did I want to have a bad relationship with my uncle.
A short time later I called my uncle and asked him to meet me for breakfast. I wanted us to talk this out and put it behind us. He agreed to meet me and we selected a time to meet. I didn’t know what to expect. Would he still be mad? Did my apology over the phone help at all? Would he punch me in the face?
I’m glad to say that the breakfast could not have gone smoother. We each shared our perspective about what had happened on the day I invited him to the birthday party. He told me about the ways he had been offended in the past, and I shared my perspective about what had been going on. I even explained that I had actually always felt like we shared a special bond because we joked around so much.
We walked away from the breakfast with a new perspective. He now understood that my jokes were meant as a form of endearment, and I now understood that I need to be more selective about what I say to him and who is around when I say it. We both left with a new and deeper respect for the other person.
I returned home and told my wife about the meeting and how we had patched everything up. She was glad that my uncle and I had worked things out, but she was still upset that he’d threatened to physically harm me. She did eventually get over that.
A few months ago my uncle called. I wasn’t home, but my wife was. During the course of their conversation this story came up again. My uncle admitted that he regretted what he’d said to me and that he was embarrassed by it. However, he also said that he was glad that I’d invited him to breakfast that day. He said that he had a tremendous amount of respect for me because I’d taken the time to meet face to face and put our differences aside.
Here’s what I learned. The need for communication can not ever be over stated. If my uncle had told me years ago that I was offending him, this whole ordeal could have been avoided. If I would have refused to accept responsibility for my words and actions against him, the divide between us would have only deepened. If he would have refused to accept responsibility for the words and actions he had aimed at me, then our relationship still would have remained strained.
The truth is, we as humans, will offend other humans from time to time. When that happens, it is almost always the fault of both parties. Our relationships with other people are among the most important things we have in life. We should treasure those relationships and do all we can to maintain them. Humility, admitting when you’re wrong, and asking for forgiveness are not signs of weakness, but signs of strength. When used by both parties, they heal wounds, restore relationships, and create bridges that make relationships stronger than they were before.
I’m Darrell Darnell and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.
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