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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday.  My name is Darrell Darnell, my favorite Beatle is George Harrison, my favorite Beatles Song is “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.  In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I’ll tell about one of the most challenging moments of my life as I share one of my most personal stories.

Friday Forum
I want you to be a part of the Friday Forum.  Friday Forum is your opportunity to Share what YOU’VE learned, so that other listeners and I can learn from YOU.  It can be a message as short as 30 seconds or several minutes long.  It really doesn’t matter just as long as it’s something that will benefit others.  You can participate in Friday Forum by calling and leaving a message at 304-837-2278, emailing an audio file to feedback@goldenspiralmedia.com, or clicking on the Send Voicemail tab on my website, GoldenSpiralMedia.com.

What I Learned Yesterday:
Today’s story is one that I thought I’d get around to sharing eventually, but really didn’t think I’d be sharing it this early.  My mind was changed after I received this email (I’m withholding the name of the sender out of respect for her privacy):

My name is [withheld] and I’m from Mexico. I follow several of your podcasts and find them really amusing and enjoyable. …  I have almost five years in a deep depression and started seeing a psychologist this past friday. One of my many issues is my relationship with my sister, which is almost inexistent, we might as well be strangers. Yesterday I asked my sister about this and for her I’m quite dramatic, boring, ridiculous and she have no interest in sharing her life with me. She doesn’t understand why this affects me, I was shocked. Well, I think that’s everything.

Thank you for sharing your passion for so many wonderful series, thank you for make my life less miserable.

First, I want to thank this listener for her courage to write in about such a difficult issue.  I am not at all qualified to address this situation in any kind of clinical or professional way, but I can tell you that her story is not uncommon and hits really close to me.  I want to share a story with you today in hopes that it might give you strength and a brighter outlook.

The story begins when I was nine years old and my brother was eleven.  Things weren’t always perfect around our house, but they certainly didn’t seem all that bad.  Mom and dad fought from time to time, and dad sometimes lost his cool with us, but those things were normal; at least I thought they were.  The truth is, even as I look back on those days now I don’t think that our home was bad at all.  However, behind the scenes, my parents’ marriage was dissolving.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but I suspect one or both of my parents had been unfaithful to the other.  Whatever it was, one day they sat us down and told us that they were getting divorced.  

It seems that most of the time, custody is awarded to the mother.  However, my mom felt it was important for my brother and I to have the daily influence of a father and my dad was given custody of both of us.  We saw my mom on weekends and during the summer.  My dad remarried later that year and my mom dated a couple of guys.  About  2 or 3 years after the divorce my mom moved to California so that she could be closer to a guy named Ken that she was dating.  I was 12 years old.  That was the last time I saw my mom.  I’m now 38.

My kids are now the exact ages that my brother and I were when my parents divorced.  I can’t imagine my life without them.  It certainly wouldn’t be a better life.  However, that is the life my mom chose.  A life separated from her two sons.

When she first moved away we spoke regularly.  Always on birthdays and Christmas and several times in between.  Then it was birthday and Christmas and a few times in between.  Then it was birthdays and Christmas.  Then it was hardly at all.  This transition was a long one.  While I was still a minor we at least spoke for birthdays and Christmas.

She often said that she was coming to visit us soon.  One time she said there was a dog show in Texas that she was going to attend with a friend.  She planned on driving through Oklahoma so she could see us.  Another time she said that she was going to sell some things and use the money to come see us.  Honestly, I never believed she was going to come visit us.  I did believe that she WANTED to come see us, but she just didn’t have the money.  She had good intentions.  Because of that, I didn’t mind that she hadn’t visited.  

As the years went on her relationship with Ken ended.  She eventually married a guy named Tom.  I was now managing a bookstore in Wichita Falls, Texas.  In one of those small world types of encounters, one of my employees, a sweet energetic older lady named Jeanette, had recently moved to Texas from the same city in California that my mom lived in.  When I told her my mom’s name, Jeanette was shocked.  Jeanette and her husband Harvey had been next door neighbors to Tom and my mom.  Jeannette knew my mom better than I did.

Tom’s kids lived in Tennessee.  He and my mom managed the mobile home park where they lived, and one day she told me that she and Tom had found someone to manage the park for a few weeks so they could make a trip to Tennessee to see his kids.  On their way to Tennessee, they were going to come through Oklahoma.  Although I was living in Wichita Falls, Texas, I was only about 2 hours from Oklahoma City.  My brother was in the Army at the time and he was stationed at Fort Sill, about 30 minutes north of Wichita Falls, and an hour and a half from Oklahoma City.  Mom and Tom would be taking I-40 right through Oklahoma City, so it would be easy for us to arrange a meet up.

However, shortly before they were scheduled to make the trip she called to tell me that the guy that was going to watch the park had become untrustworthy and they were going to cancel the trip.  I was disappointed but understood their decision.  In November of that year our daughter was born.  By that time we were living back in Oklahoma City.  My mom called to congratulate us and during the course of the conversation she mentioned something about a recent experience in Tennessee.  I brushed it off and convinced myself that I’d misunderstood her.  

A month later we spoke again for Christmas.  Again, during the course of the conversation she mentioned Tennessee.  This time there was no mistaking it.  She and Tom had in fact traveled to Tennessee to see his kids, traveled right through Oklahoma, and kept right on driving.  A year or so later they would move to Tennessee and once again just kept driving as they made their way through Oklahoma.  I didn’t even know they were heading east until they’d already completed the move.

This brought me to one of the most painful realizations I’ve ever had.  My mom does not want to see me.  All those promises over the years had been empty.  I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.  I want to give her excuses like it would be too hard for her, it would be awkward, or…I don’t know, what other reasonable excuses are there?  But I decided that I was done playing games.  I would move on.  If she truly wanted to have a relationship with me that was meaningful, she would need to reach out to me, be honest with me, and make the first move.

To some, this may sound harsh or unfair.  To others, I may seem like a fool that should have seen the truth a long time ago.  Here’s how I see it.  Maybe I should have seen it a long time ago.  That’s irrelevant.  But once I did realize it, I had a decision to make.  Would I continue to allow her to treat me this way and be disappointed by her broken promises, or would I just move on?  I decided that it was best to move on.  This is going to sound really cold, and I really don’t mean it to sound that way, but I didn’t need her in my life.

To clarify, I did not need her in my life in order to be happy, complete, satisfied, fulfilled, or anything else.  Instead of putting energy into that relationship and allowing it to negatively impact me and my family, I chose to only invest in those relationships that are healthy.  I have never regretted that decision.

Now let me explain a few other things that I believe are critically important.  I do not harbor any anger, resentment, or animosity toward my mom.  To do so would be very unhealthy for me and my family.  If I harbored any of those feelings about her, she would not be the one suffering or being negatively impacted; I would.  Next, if she called me up today and said that she was in town and wanted to meet with me, I would do it.  I would have some questions that I’d like her to answer, but I would not attack her verbally, or treat her disrespectfully.  To me, the opportunity is still there for a relationship if the circumstances are right.

Here’s what I learned.  This world is filled with broken relationships.  Those relationships come in a variety of connections.  I believe we should strive for peace in our relationships, but we can not continue to allow ourselves to be manipulated, abused, or hurt.  Sometimes we have to walk away.  Unforgiveness and anger only hurt ourselves.  However, forgiving someone does not mean that you continue to allow them to hurt or manipulate you.  By investing in and focusing on the healthy relationships in your life you’ll find peace and happiness that you would not have otherwise had.

To the listener in Mexico and to all of you who can relate to my story, I hope this has helped you.  I hope that you find happiness and peace in your relationships.

I’m Darrell Darnell and this has been stuff I learned yesterday.

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