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Our date had been magical. The horse-drawn carriage ride through the Victorian town adorned with Christmas lights was beautiful and romantic. It was a cold evening, but the beauty and sparkle of the lights, seeing the smile on her face, and enjoying the peaceful moment together made it all worthwhile. But moments later I realized I’d made a critical error, and the rest of our evening was going to be ruined.
Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. This is episode 684, “The Greatest Investment,” and I’m Darrell Darnell. There are between 40-45,000 Chinese restaurants in the US, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
That night was supposed to be magical, important. Kari and I had been on several dates over the month or two leading up to that night. But when we started dating I was coming off a painful breakup and I wasn’t in any hurry to get into a serious relationship. Once Kari and I started dating, it was mostly with groups. No pressure, no commitment.
But over the course of time, our feelings for each other started to deepen. So I’d planned that romantic evening to start with the carriage ride, and then we’d end up back at my apartment. Once we arrived, the plan was that she’d be surprised with her favorite meal from our favorite Chinese food restaurant, roses on the table, and soft music playing. There I planned to let her know that I wanted to take our relationship to the next level and commit to dating each other exclusively.
To pull this off, I’d recruited my friend Chuck to grab dinner and set up my apartment. But as we were en route between the carriage ride and my apartment, I suddenly realized that I’d never given Chuck the key to my apartment. Of course, this meant he couldn’t set up the next stage of our date. To me, this meant the evening was ruined.
So today’s lesson is that it pays to have a great wingman. Chuck was a great wingman.
When we arrived at my apartment we found a note on the door. It read, “You are invited to Chuck Manchu’s Chinese Restaurant,” and it gave us an address. I instantly recognized it as the location of Chuck and his wife Rachel’s house. When we arrived, Chuck and Rachel let us in, and then said goodbye; leaving us alone standing in their living room.
Surrounding us were a dozen lit candles and softly planing music. I turned toward the dining room and saw roses on the table along with our favorite Chinese food ready to enjoy. The evening was saved and a core memory was made.
Nearly a year and a half later I was ready to propose. My wingman and his amazing wife came through again. They once again set up their living room as Chuck Manfu’s Chinese restaurant and we set up a ruse to get Kari and I there alone.
We walked in, surrounded by candles and soft music, I got down on one knee, and she said yes.
And this is how Chinese food became the celebratory dinner for Kari and I. In just over 3 months we will celebrate 27 years of marriage and nearly without exception we have celebrated each anniversary while enjoying Chinese food.
As my kids were growing up it was important for me to share special one-on-one moments with them. I felt this was a great way to create special moments just between the two of us, have personal conversations, and help them feel special. It should be no surprise that we often centered these moments together around food.
For Addi and I, our spot became a local restaurant called Around the Corner. Nestled in our town’s historic downtown district, we typically found our way there in time for brunch. Decorated with a hodge podge of small town charm, country and farm motifs, local university branded items, and memorabilia from the Oklahoma City Thunder, it’s exactly what you’d expect a casual local restaurant to be.
Addi and I typically slide into a booth and grab one of their newspapers. We seldom look at the menu. Addi nearly always gets the french toast with strawberries, chocolate milk, and orange juice. Once she even drank both the orange juice and chocolate milk at the same time. As you might imagine, she decided experiencing that once was enough for a lifetime. I typically get biscuits and gravy. Sometimes with a side of bacon, other times with a side of breakfast sausage.
The newspaper contains fun stories and puzzles. We try to get the crossword done before our food shows up. I hang back and let her solve as much as possible, mostly chiming in when she needs help. Sometimes we enjoy a fun activity afterward, sometimes we walk around town and shop, sometimes we just return home.
It’s a similar story for Colby. For much of his childhood our restaurant of choice was another locally owned place aptly called Colby’s Grill. Not only did they have a great breakfast, but they had amazing burgers. Colby and I typically showed up in time for lunch. We bought Colby one of their t-shirts which he loved for two reasons. Of course, one of those was the fact that it had his name on it. The other was the free drink he’d get whenever he wore it to the restaurant.
We’d typically find a table in front of a window and share some great food and laughs. Like my times with Addi, sometimes we’d go home after, and sometimes we headed out for another activity. Sadly, they closed the restaurant when Colby was in middle school. They have another location, but we’ve never driven over to it. Instead, we just found other random spots to go to. Typically Taco Bell. That dude loves his Taco Bell.
Here’s what I learned.
It seems simple, and it is. I’ve talked in other episodes about the importance of being present for your family and spending quality time together. I’ve talked about the importance of creating memories and doing things together as a family, and how those things can be simple.
Today’s story is a reminder that we and those we love most also benefit from one-on-one time. The best, most relationship-building moments are often found in these times. As parents, if we want healthy, trusted, respected relationships with our kids, we need to establish those moments of one-on-one time while they are young.
These conversations will help you learn more about them and what their interests are. They are fun, silly, wholesome, and even serious. As you sit across the table, you’ll be surprised at what happens and what they tell you.
And these moments don’t just have to happen over a meal. They can happen while sitting in a bass boat or deer blind. They can happen in the car on the way to and from basketball practice. They can be in walks around your neighborhood. The point is that we are intentional about creating distraction-free time and spending it one-on-one with our kids.
As they move into the challenging teen years of middle school and high school, we need to have already established trust and patterns of meaningful conversation. Those years will still be very hard, and it’s foolish to think your kids will trust you with everything, but there’s nothing more important than for them to know you are trusted and on their side.
Now let’s go full circle with this. We shouldn’t just make time to be one-on-one with our kids. We have to make sure we’re doing that with our spouse too. No kids. No distractions. Just quality time and conversation. Make time for your spouse.
One day in the blink of an eye your kids will be grown and your four walls will be much more silent. What you’ve invested in during the full-nest stage of life will be what you have left when the empty nest stage arrives. We’re wise if we’ve taken time throughout those years to nurture our relationship with our spouse, have conversations that aren’t about kids or money, and grow the relationship that led to you getting married and having kids in the first place.
It’s been said that the greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you give your time, you’re giving a portion of your life that you will never get back. While that’s true, I’d argue that the time you give to others is better viewed as an investment, that when persistently deposited over time, returns a powerful dividend paid out in loving relationships, happiness, and fulfillment that has far more value than we could ever find elsewhere.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
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