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In that moment, I knew how Al Bundy from “Married with Children” must have felt every time Kelly brought home one of her boyfriends. I never expected that coping with the idea of my daughter having her first boyfriend would be easy, but I never thought it would be like this. On one hand, I appreciated his honesty. On the other hand, his honesty led him to tell me, “I just want you to know that I’ve been arrested and spent time at juvie.”
Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. I’m Darrell Darnell and this is episode 680, “The Root of My Gray Hair.” About 50% of people have at least some grey hair by age 50 and only about 1 in 10 people had no grey hair by age 60. And I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
Have I ever told you that parenting is easy? Of course, not. We all know parenting is hard. It’s the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. As I’m writing this I just wrapped up a whirlwind trip with my Son. I was in Orlando for a job and he came out for a day so we could go to the Magic Kingdom together. We got to the park at rope drop and made the most of the early parts of the day. After going back to our hotel for a mid-day rest we returned to the park.
As we were slowly making our way through the line for Seven Dwarfs Mine Train we began to talk about life. He said, “I don’t mean to brag, but I think you and mom raised two really good kids.” I looked down at the ground, smiled, and confirmed he was right. Sure, they are both still figuring things out and making decisions I wouldn’t make, but isn’t that totally normal and expected?
The truth is, they are both great kids doing great things. I’m so proud of them both. But getting here was so, so hard.
It’s ironic that I’m writing this from a hotel in Orlando, because today’s story also has a connection to this city.
Addi had told us about a boy she liked, let’s call him Lincoln. For both our kids we had a rule that we had to meet the person before they were allowed to go out on a date. We also had a rule that they couldn’t date until they were in high school. So when Addi asked if she could invite Lincoln over to watch the Super Bowl with us, we were happy to have him over. We felt it would be a good, no-pressure situation for him.
Introductions went well and we settled into the living room. The pizza hadn’t even arrived yet when Lincoln came up to me and made that fateful confession. How would you have responded? What would have gone through your mind at that moment?
It’s all a blur for me. I remember trying to keep a positive look on my face while a million questions raced through my mind. “Why is he telling me this?” “Was it a big misunderstanding?” “Did he learn from it and is now a changed person?” “What did he do?” “Does Addi know about this?” “Is this really the scenario I’m faced with for Addi’s FIRST boyfriend?”
In the days and conversations that followed, it was clear he was not a changed person. He was the type of guy that every parent fears. Phone messages between the two were nightmare fuel for parents. Kari and I were distraught. Should we put our foot down and refuse to let her see him? Should we give her some freedom to navigate this herself? Was there a different option that was better?
The following week I left for Orlando to attend a podcast conference. I remember that the situation weighed heavily on my mind and heart. It consumed my thoughts. I sought advice from every person I knew that might have been through this. I remember one night standing outside on the patio at a party, talking to one of my friends. He knew someone who was there that he thought could help so he motioned her over. With her were two other women.
They’d all three been down this road before and were such a great shoulder to lean on. All three agreed. Keep a close eye on the situation and step in if things get really bad. But otherwise, let Addi navigate this. Trust your parenting. If we made the decision to cut them off, then she would most likely rebel and it would go to an even worse place.
After I returned home, Kari and I spoke more about it and that’s exactly what we did. In the end they only dated a month or two, but those were some sleepless weeks! Eventually, Lincoln crossed a line with her and she dumped him. Our parenting HAD worked! Not only that, she came to us and told us that she’d learned from it. She felt foolish for ever dating a guy like that and would never do it again.
Honestly, that was music to my ears and a relief to my heart.
Over the years I have told Addi that she is the reason for most of my gray hair, but I’ve never given her any specific reason why. As you can imagine, this situation is what I most often think of when I say that to her. As I prepared for this story, I reached out to both of my kids. For Addi I said, “How long did you date Lincoln?” She replied, “Why? Are you writing an episode about your gray hair?” LOL! She gets me!
Colby’s dating life has been hard too. His first girlfriend was a girl we’ll call Chloe. They met in high school band. She played trombone. She was part of a friend group he had of about 8 kids, most of them band kids. They’d often hang out as a group, we knew most of their parents, and they were a good group of kids. Three of the boys in the group were ones that had been to our house many times since elementary school, and we were happy that he’d developed long-lasting friendships.
Colby and Chloe started dating when he was a junior. Things went mostly well for over a year. Then shortly before his senior prom, something happened. While hanging out with his friend group, Chloe decided to fool around with one of the other guys. Not only was Colby there in the room, but the guy she fooled around with was one of his best friends from elementary school. Colby had been betrayed by both Chloe and his friend.
Chloe felt bad and owned up to it, but it was understandably a very difficult situation for Colby. To their credit they took time to talk things through, but in the end, they broke up. Colby was heartbroken. My heart broke too. I’d been there. I remember how I felt when my first girlfriend broke up with me, and I didn’t have the extra layers of being betrayed by a friend like he did.
I remember knocking on his bedroom door and asking if I could come in. As I entered, there was my boy, crying, sobbing, confused, and distraught. I did my best to ask questions to find out if he wanted to be alone or wanted me there. If he wanted to talk or wanted to just sit.
And so we talked for quite a while. Mostly he talked and I listened. I knew there was not much I could do. I knew his heart would eventually heal and he’d eventually find someone better, but those facts were of little use for that moment. After we finished talking, I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone, or if he wanted me to stay and just sit with him. He told me he wanted me to stay.
And so I did. We just sat there in silence. Both of us hurting in our own way.
Here’s what I learned.
Parenting is hard. Navigating the dating part of parenting is extraordinarily hard. We were mindful in talking with our kids about sex and dating from early ages and in age appropriate ways. We knew they were going to find out about stuff earlier than we did when we were kids, and we wanted to make sure the info they learned first was good and from us.
We hoped that having those conversations with them would lead them to feel comfortable talking with us about those issues as they got older. For the most part, that’s been the case. When Addi broke up with Lincoln, she confided in Kari some things that Kari later shared with me, and some things that have remained just between them.
So here’s my advice. Be ready to talk about sex and dating with your kids early. Talk with your spouse and know ahead of time what rules you’ll be establishing for your kids about dating. Help them understand what values and characteristics they should be looking for in a person. Demonstrate those values and characteristics with your own spouse in your home.
As your kids begin to date, be ready to trust your parenting and be ready to step in. Our kids were given safe words that they could send to us to discreetly let us know they needed help getting out of a situation. I made sure Addi knew where to aim should she need to defend herself, and I made sure Colby knew the right way to respect women and understand what “no” means.
As with all things in life, parenting kids through this phase of life should begin with prayer and studying the Bible. We talked with our kids about the Biblical principle of not being unequally yoked.
The bottom line is, it’s very tough. I’m not sure anyone makes it through unscathed. But by being honest with your kids, planning ahead, and careful guidance, your kids will make it through. And, although they may give you a head full of gray hairs in the process, (after all, there are more stories I could share that have led to more of my grays)… eventually they’ll find their way, find their special someone, and be grateful for all you did to help them through those very difficult moments.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
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