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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell. I love my wife’s made from scratch white chocolate chip cranberry cookies. And I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
I launched this podcast in the spring of 2014 and one of the first stories I told gave a contrast of two people visiting Chicago. One of those people was approached by a homeless person who complimented their shirt. They thanked the homeless person and went on their way. The other person in the story saw a homeless person on the street and started looking around to see how they could help. They went to their hotel room, gathered up a few things, and returned to the homeless person to give them the makeshift care package.
That story, which was told in episode 19, was based on two different visits to Chicago. I was the one with the shirt who did nothing. My 12 year old daughter, Addi, was the one who made the care package. That 12 year old girl will be 23 in less than a month, and she is not the same person she once was.
That visit to Chicago made quite an impact on her. It was her first time out of Oklahoma CIty, first time on an airplane, and first time seeing homelessness up close. She hated it and felt deeply compelled to do…something. Anything. So she went up to our hotel room and gathered as many hygiene supplies, food, and water as she could and created as many care packages as she could.
It was not an isolated event. In fact, it’s something she still does to this day. Every time she travels, she saves as many of the toiletries from the hotel as she can. She brings them home and saves them. When I travel, I do the same and bring them home to her. Then when she travels, she puts together ziplock bags full of these supplies. She adds in granola bars and other small food items as well as water powder that has vitamins and electrolytes. Once she arrives at her destination, she typically grabs fresh fruit as well.
Then as she walks around the city, she looks for opportunities to help someone. She compassionately and caring approaches them, gives them the care package, looks them in the eye, and gives them a loving smile. I’ve seen her do this in Dallas, Chicago, Los Angeles, and other places. It’s beautiful.
Seeing her care for people is inspiring and makes me proud to be her dad. I’d love to take some sort of credit for it, but I can’t. It’s all her. Unlike me, Addi has an innate sense of care and thoughtfulness toward others. She’s constantly thinking of others.
She loves to shop. And she certainly spends more money on Legos than her mom and I wish, but she’s not shopping for herself much of the time. Sometimes she shops just to shop. And as she shops she’s keeping an eye out for…anything. She’s always looking for something that someone she cares about would like.
At birthdays and Christmas you’re more likely to get ten gifts from Addi than one gift. Those gifts are typically small, thoughtful items that she noticed during one of her many shopping trips. As soon as she identifies an item she thinks someone will enjoy, she gets it and tucks it away until the right moment. Always looking, always thinking of others.
Lest you think she’s some sort of angel, allow me to shift our focus a bit.
As I’ve said before, parenting Addi has been very challenging and frustrating. We’ve each yelled and slammed doors at each other, though it’s been several years since that last happened. But these past few years have not been without challenges and frustration either.
When she graduated high school she opted to take a gap year. She made this decision completely on her own without ever telling us or asking us about it. While we were not happy that she didn’t seek our insight, we were fine with her taking a gap year. However, we insisted that she work at least 30 hours a week. She refused.
As time went on we told her that she either needed to invest her time in some sort of education: college, trade school, vo-tech, online course…anything. Otherwise, she needed to invest her time in being productive via work. She was already working, but nothing close to the 30 hours we’d requested.
When we spoke with her about it, it was clear she had no ambition. She didn’t want to take on responsibility. She didn’t want to become an adult. It was frustrating. She loved to tell us that she was an adult, but she did not want to act like one or take on the responsibilities of one.
As for me, I was at a loss on what to do. I love my masterminds, but of the other 7 guys, none of them have kids who are even in high school yet. None of them had gone down this path yet. I didn’t have any connections at church either. Finally I found a respected colleague at a podcast conference who’d been down this road and he gave me some good advice. It did improve things, but not to the extent I’d hoped.
Eventually things started to change. Addi started volunteering in the kids area of our church. It turns out, she loved it like nothing she’d ever done before. She excelled at it. Eventually they offered her a paid position and she accepted it.
Months later, one of our other campuses started a mother’s day out program. Addi applied to be a teacher and they hired her. This turned out to be a major turning point. She was now working 2-4 hour shifts at our church’s location three days a week, but she was also working two 6 hour shifts at the other location two days a week. She was also working at an Asian restaurant 1-2 days a week.
As much as she loved working with the kids at our location, she adored working with the kids at mother’s day out. Like so many teachers, she found herself constantly thinking of her kids and buying stuff for her classroom and for each of the kids.
More importantly, parents loved her. She constantly received compliments from parents at both campuses. Some asked her to babysit regularly, which she gladly accepted.
Sometimes I sit in awe with how this podcast comes together. On July 22, 2024, I first wrote down the idea for this episode. I wrote, “How Addi has such a giving heart and does lots of little things like buying little gifts, looking for toys for the church, caring for the homeless, etc.” That means I’ve been sitting on this episode idea for 15 months without taking action on it.
Then on June 30 of this year I selected this topic to be the October 27th episode. That meant I would sit down to write the episode on August 13th. When I chose this episode for today back on June 30th, I had no idea what was about to happen.
A few weeks later the kids pastor at our church approached Addi about an internship for the upcoming school year. She’d already been approached for the summer internship and applied for it, but she didn’t get it. They told her one reason she didn’t get it was they wanted to consider her for a longer internship like the upcoming one for the school year.
So it wasn’t surprising when they asked her to apply for the school-year internship. A few weeks later, at the end of July, she was officially offered the role. It is a paid internship, but it would require significant change. She would have to give up mothers day out, and her role at our location would be totally different.
Addi faced a very tough decision. She absolutely loves the kids and the work she does at mothers day out. This time she did come to us for guidance. She prayed about it. She made a pros and cons list. She even talked with the children’s pastor about it and came back with follow up questions.
Then after taking a week to carefully think it over, seek advice, and pray, she made her decision. She accepted the internship. And as I write this, today is her third day on the job. She’s excited about the people she’s working with, the work she’ll be doing, and the opportunity to step into a new role and grow. Oh and by the way, the internship is exactly 30 hours per week.
Here’s what I learned.
Addi has not matured at the rate I would have preferred. I would have preferred she had come out of high school with the same eagerness to work and possess the same ambition that she now has. At the same time, she has had maturity well beyond her years in other aspects of her life, such as the way she has always cared for the homeless.
It is easy to look at others: kids, other relatives, co-workers, and colleagues and see those things that we most want them to change. I started this podcast by saying that Addi is not the same person she once was. She’s not. She’s better.
Sometimes when you’re baking cookies, you pull the batch out of the oven and they aren’t quite ready. When that happens, what do you do? Do you get mad at them, tell them how awful they are, and give up on them? Of course not. You stick them back in the oven and carefully attend to them until they’ve baked just the right amount of time.
We would be wise to realize this is not just true about others, but it’s true about us too. A year from now each of us should be able to look back at today and declare, “I am not the same person I once was.”
Be brave and humble enough to examine yourself and identify areas that need more time in the oven. Challenge yourself to take on new challenges and grow. Invest in making yourself a better worker, parent, mentor, friend, spouse, and student. Your future self will be glad you did, and those who care about you most will be too.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
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