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Making Decisions One Way Or The Other

Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Mark Des Cotes, I experienced my very first tornado warning on the weekend, and I believe if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I talk about saying something other than whatever.

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Today’s Fun Fact of the Day: Did you know that just like all fingerprints are different. Everyone’s tongue print is also different. I wonder if a tongue print is admissible in court?

Here’s What I leaned yesterday.
Back in high school my friends sometimes called me Mr. Whatever. You see, whenever they would ask me if I wanted to do something I would almost always answer “whatever”. In fact, the odd times I would answer yes or no, my friends would be shocked and make a real big deal out of it.

Some people thought me as indecisive. But I never thought of myself that way. Instead I imagined myself as being easy going, accommodating even. The fact was that it didn’t make a difference to me one way or the other.

I’ve always been one of those people that is happy doing just about anything. You want to go see a movie? Great, I’m in. Don’t like what’s playing at the cinema so you want to go shoot some pool instead? Sounds good to me. Pool hall is too crowded so you want to grab a pizza and watch the game on TV. Sure, let’s do it.

That’s not to say that I didn’t have any ideas of my own, or that we never did things I wanted to do. In fact most of the time we did. I was the oldest of the group and therefore I was the defacto leader and made most of the decisions. But whenever someone came up with an idea of something for us to do, I was usually fine with their choices one way or the other. It got to the point where my friends would only ask me out of courtesy because they already knew my answer. In fact, I remember on numerous occasions when they were trying to decide something amongst themselves and I would hear them say “Mark will be fine with whatever we decide”. Which was true.

In situations when two or more of my friends would argue over what we should do I rarely took any sides. I’d just let them work it out and go along with the final decision.

This did frustrate them at times. Especially when they wanted me to break the stalemate and I would just answer “whatever”. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to offend one of them it’s just that I really didn’t care one way or the other what we did. I’d be happy with whatever the outcome was. If they couldn’t come to a decision I would just suggest a third options and we would end up doing that.

This didn’t only apply to fun things either. If I offered to help a friend finish some chores before going out, it didn’t make a difference one way or the other to me what chore I did. If they asked me if I preferred wash the dishes or vacuum I would just say “whatever” and let them decide. As long as the chores got done and we could go out I was happy.

I always got a kick out of the big reaction from my friends whenever I would give them a firm yes or no answer. They were that rare.

So that’s the way I was throughout high school, and I never thought much about it until I met my wife. Well, she wasn’t my wife at the time but you know what I mean. Whenever Kim would ask me what I wanted to do I would give her my go to answer of “whatever”. In my mind I was leaving it open for her to choose whatever she wanted and I would go along. I thought I was being accommodating.

I was so used to happily going along with whatever decisions my friends choose that it never dawned on me that Kim didn’t like this. Often times she didn’t want to make the decisions. She wanted me to suggest things so that we could discuss them and come to a decision together.

This was a completely foreign concept for me. I don’t know if it was a boy/girl thing, but I was so used to just telling my friends what we were going to do. Or letting them come up with something and I would readily go along. But that tactic wasn’t working with Kim. I had to change my way of thinking.

It’s funny when I think back how many times I failed miserably at this seemingly simple task. At first, whenever she would suggest something, instead of saying “whatever” I would just say yes. But then if she offered a second suggestion I would say yes to it as well. Of course, this led to arguments because she wanted to know which one I really wanted to do. I would try to tell her that I was happy one way or the other and I would do whatever she wanted to do, but she would have none of that. This was a partnership and she wanted us to come to a decision together, meaning she wanted to know which choice I preferred, even though I didn’t really have a preference one way or the other.

So I did the logical thing. Or at least logical to me. Thinking myself smart, I stopped trying to be accommodating and I made a decision. Even though it didn’t matter one way or the other to me I would choose one. That’s what she wanted wasn’t it? Alas, as I quickly found out, that wasn’t the case. Once I made a decision she wanted to know why I made that choice. And of course, she found me out, because I really didn’t have an answer. I was in a pickle.

Then I finally figured out that what she really wanted was my opinion. Instead of picking a choice, she wanted me to talk about each option. Offer pros and cons for each that we could debate and talk about. Then we would come to a decision, together.

I discovered that it was never about me making a decision, or her making a decision. It was the communication between us in the decision process that was important. Once I figured that out we grew much closer, and it became much easier for us to settle on things to do.

Here’s what I learned.
A girls mind works completely different from that of a teenage boy. Heck, what am I saying, forget girls and teenage boys. A woman’s mind works different from a man’s. But you already know that. If you don’t then you have a lot more learning to do than what we offer here on this podcast.

What I’m trying to say is that in any relationship you have to compromise. Both parties bring their experiences to the table and by learning from the other you become better partners.

My relationship with Kim has changed me in so many ways. Not just in the way I face decision making but in other things as well. Just as I know that our relationship has changed Kim in many ways. If I figure out how I’ll let you know.

Communication is such an important part of any relationship. Marriage or other. Being able to talk about things, debate them, offer opinions, and ultimately make decisions together is at the foundation of any friendship.

I’m still just as accommodating to my wife as when we first met. I just have a better way of imparting what I have to say. It’s one of the reasons we’re still together after 21 years.

I don’t know if it’s coincidence or not but I’m no longer in contact with any of those friends from high school. We had great times together but maybe our lack of proper communications is one of the things that drew us apart. I don’t know.

I’m Mark Des Cotes and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.

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