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Persuasion and Manipulation
Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Mark Des Cotes, I’m going to be eating turkey for the rest of the week, and I believe if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday I talk about two different ways of getting people to do things.
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Today’s Fun Fact of the Day: Baseball playoffs are in full swing and even thought I’m not a baseball fan I am rooting for the Toronto Blue Jays. But with that said I thought I’d share some fun facts about today, October 14th. Last night the Chicago Cubs beat the St. Louis Cardinals to win their divisional series 3 games to 1. Did you know that the last time the Chicago Cubs won the World Series was on this date way back in 1908? On this same date in 2003 The Chicago Cubs were leading 3-0 in the eighth inning and were on their way to winning the National League Championship Series 4 games to 2 and moving on to the World Series. But when Florida Marlins second baseman Luis Castillo hit a foul ball in the 8th inning of game 6. Cubs outfielder Moisés Alou would have made the catch for the second out of the inning if not for Cubs fan Steve Bartman who reached out and deflected the ball preventing Alou from making the catch. The Marlins ended up scoring 8 runs in the inning and won the game. The Marlins went on to win game 7, eliminating the Cubs from contention.
Here’s What I leaned yesterday.
Persuasion and manipulation, what’s the difference?
I was listening to a podcast recently where the guest, an expert at writing sales copy, was explaining to the host the technique he’s perfected to persuade people to purchase whatever he’s writing about. The host questioned wether what he was doing was manipulative. The response the guest gave sparked the idea in my head for this SILY episode. He replied;
“The difference between persuasion and manipulation is guilt. Once you’ve convinced someone to do something, how you feel about it will determine if you persuaded them or if you manipulated them. If you feel good because you convinced someone and their better off because of it, then you persuaded them. But if you convinced the person in order to benefit yourself, then you manipulated them and you should feel guilty, not all do, but they should” That guilt is how you tell the difference between persuasion and manipulation.
Persuasion is necessary. It’s used to present facts in a positive light and showing how they benefit the target. Without it you could never persuade someone to do or try something. You could never persuade someone to believe in something you do. And you certainly couldn’t persuade someone to buy something.
Persuasion is one of our tools when dealing with our kids, our parents, our friends, coworkers, bosses and total even total strangers. It’s a healthy part of conversation.
Manipulation on the other hand does the same thing as persuasion but by leaving information out and playing on the target’s emotions to convince them of the benefit. Manipulation doesn’t take the target’s well being into account. Manipulators don’t care how they get their results as long as they get them. They should feel guilty afterwards but unfortunately some don’t.
Let me give you an example of persuasion and manipulation.
You go to the store to by a vacuum cleaner. You tell the salesperson that your floors are mostly hard wood and tile with a small carpet in one room. You look over the machines and pick one in the mid price range. The salesperson points to a different, slightly more expensive model and tells you it would be better for what you need. They point out that all vacuums clean both floors and carpets but since your place is mostly hard floors you would be better off with the pricier model because the floor attachment is more durable. Since you will be using it more than the carpet attachment he thinks it’s better suited for your needs. In this case, the salesperson is trying to persuade you to buy the more expensive model because it’s in your best interest.
Same situation, but this time the salesperson explains that the more expensive machine comes with all sorts of attachments for cleaning curtains, upholstery, stairs. They tell you it can even be used for picking up liquids and grooming your pets. Sure you don’t need those things now but won’t you be happy when you eventually move to a bigger house, maybe get a dog and find yourself needing these functions? You’ll save money in the long run by not having to upgrade your machine. Besides, the model you were looking at isn’t really that good. They break down all the time. In fact they’ve had three in for repair in the last month. In this case, the salesperson is trying to manipulate you to buy the more expensive model by playing off your emotions. Maybe they get a larger commission from that brand or there’s an employee competition to see who can sell more of that model. Whatever their reason, they don’t necessarily have your best interest at heart.
You see, the difference between persuasion and manipulation lies in the underlying intent and desire to create genuine benefit. If your intent is to benefit someone and you’ve been truthful in your approach, then there’s no reason to feel guilty about it.
However, if your intent was to fool, control or contrive someone to do something, believe something or buy something that benefits you more than it benefits them, it’s manipulation.
It’s hard to tell sometimes between persuasion and manipulation because they both use the same skills, strategies and tools to convince people of your point of view. It’s how you wield those skills, strategies and tools and the intent in which you use them that makes the difference.
Here’s what I learned.
It all comes down to facts vs. emotions. Persuasion uses facts, while manipulation relies on emotions. A good car salesman will explain how better fuel consumption and safety rating makes one car better than another, whereas a manipulative salesman would try to sell you a car by playing on your emotions and targeting how you feel when you sit behind the wheel. They’d stroke your imagination by making you picture yourself driving around in this fancy new vehicle.
It doesn’t matter if you are on the giving or the receiving end. You need to be able to recognize when emotions are being played with and what it means. Wether you are playing with other’s emotions or they are playing with yours.
Another difference between persuasion and manipulation is the long term relationship. Those you persuade have a much higher chance of seeing your wisdom and returning when they need you. But those you manipulate wont have that feeling and chances are they will seek someone else for help in the future.
So which are you? Persuader or manipulator.
If you want to test yourself, try getting a young child to eat something they don’t want to. It wont take long to figure out if you are trying to persuade them or manipulating them into trying them. Does your argument consist of telling them how eating it will make them stronger and help them grow? Or does your argument consist of telling them how proud you’d be of them if they tried it?
Ok, ok, I know that’s not a fair one. Communicating with children is a whole other ballgame. And after all, do either of you actually benefit if the child does take a bite of peas?
But with others you should take stock. It’s the intent and veracity of your approach, knowing who the benefactor of your argument is, and the well being of your target that creates the difference between persuasion and manipulation.
The next time you read or hear a sales pitch, pay close attention to what is being said. Figure out if the pitch is effective or not and try to determine if they are attempting to persuade or manipulate you.
And the next time you try to convince someone to do something, believe something or buy something, think to yourself, will I feel guilty after this?
I’m Mark Des Cotes and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
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