Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 25:40 — 15.1MB) | Embed
Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, FedEx was paid zero dollars for its brand usage in the film Castaway. And I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
According to Screenrant FedEx viewed its role as more than just product placement; they were a character in the film’s narrative. So instead of taking payment for using the brand, FedEx collaborated with the filmmakers, providing access to locations and its brand for the story.
We have two contributions for the mailbag today and they come from Jeff and Ruthie.
Here’s Jeff’s contribution:
This is Jeff, the other Jeff. I first met Darrell when he worked for the bookstore. He and Courtney hosted Pictionary Friday online and Patty from Canada was one of the other players. They would mention Fringe and their podcast. And I started listening during season two and was hooked on Fringe and podcasts ever since. I’ve listened to several of Darrell’s podcasts and even did an online pub quiz with him and a couple other members of the community. But I’ve never actually met Darrell in person.
If you listened to the Fringe Rewatch podcast, you would have heard Darrell mention that my 20-year-old daughter Abigail was killed by a drunk driver last October. He also reached out to me offline and even sent white tulips to the funeral. Darrell extended condolences and prayers and even offered to help however he could. I was deeply touched that he reached out to me like that. Since that time I have learned a great many lessons I never thought I would learn or would have wished to learn. In this SILY, I want to talk about responding to those who are grieving.
We were overwhelmed by the number of people whose lives were touched by Abigail. We loved hearing their stories. Abigail could be a difficult child. She was opinionated and headstrong. I used to joke that she was like the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad, she was horrid. When the family gathered, we took comfort in sharing stories. The good and the bad. When her children’s minister at church said she would miss Abigail’s hugs, which was a common remark from people, I had to remind her that Abigail also took great delight in sneaking past security every Sunday to get to my classroom. You don’t need to bad mouth the person, but don’t make them into a saint. We’d love to hear all the stories.
We notice that several of her peers never spoke to us. I assume that they either didn’t know what to say or they were concerned about saying something that would make us sad. Let me address that second part first. In his book, A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis wrote about losing his wife Joy to cancer. He said, “The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spreading all over everything. Bringing up Abigail isn’t going to make us sad. She is constantly in her thoughts and it is comforting to know that she is in the thoughts and memories of others. Don’t worry about making us sad, we’re already sad.
As far as what to say, I want to look at a couple of examples from the Bible. I recently re-read the book of Job. Job read very differently this time. Job lost everything, his livestock, his houses, his health, and his children. The text tells us that Job’s three friends raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes, and sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they say that his suffering was very great. They were present for him. They grieved with him.
The trouble began when they started speaking. They tried to explain to him why it happened and what God was doing. Not only was that not helpful, but it turned out they were wrong. I used to have a friend post it on Facebook. I don’t have answers. I don’t have great words of wisdom. I don’t have any experience to share about the loss like this. But I will listen and read of your sorrows. I will cry. I will rejoice in your memories. That’s what it’s all about. Keep it simple. Tell them you’re sorry. Share a memory. Cry with them. Hug them. Pray. Just be there.
The second example from the Bible is Jesus’ friend Lazarus and died. He had been in the tomb for four days when Jesus arrived. He is met by Lazarus’ sister and a group of mourners. The book of John tells us that when John saw her weeping and the Jews had come alongside her also weeping, he was deeply moved, in spirit, and troubled. Then, in John 11:35, we find the shortest verse in the Bible, “Jesus wept.” Jesus knew he was going to resurrect Lazarus, but he didn’t correct or lecture. He wept with those who wept. I believe God is grieved when people die.
This was not his design for humanity, and death is a reminder of sin and a fallen nature. I think it especially grieves him when a young person dies. That is not to say anything is beyond his control. I believe that God uses everything, the good and the bad, in his plan. The Bible tells us that all things work together for good. It’s not always easy to see or even remember. We have to trust in the character and trustworthiness of God.
In J.J. Heller’s song, “Who You Are”, the chorus says, “I don’t know what you’re doing. I know who you are. I don’t always understand my circumstances or the pain I’m feeling, but I know Who God is, and He is worthy of my faith and worship.” My mom died three years ago. On the day that she died, Abigail handed me a post-it note. She didn’t say a word. That wasn’t unusual. I have several post-its notes on my wall that range from sweet messages to inappropriate jokes. This one in a Bible verse. It meant so much to me then and it means so much more to me now. It is Psalm 147:3. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
This is Jeff, the other Jeff. And that’s what I learned yesterday.
Here’s Ruthie’s contribution:
My name is Ruthie Rink and I’m also in Darrell podcast tree, although I have no idea if he claims me. I caught the bug when he invited me to do an episode of the Almost Human podcast way back in 2013. That was episode eight, in case you’re wondering. Prior to that, I met Darrell as many did through the Fringe Podcast. I had not really listened to any podcasts before that one, but I was googling something about the show and stumbled across it and I almost fell out of my chair when I heard them mention a finale party in OKC because I also live in a suburb of Oklahoma City. The rest is podcast history.
Well, I have been on a break from podcasting and listening to podcasts for a little bit. I recently started listening to SILY again. Those who have listened to every episode may remember I did episode number 548. Darrell, you asked for feedback about your current format and while my story may contradict this, I like the current format, the rotational format. I’m not sure why you don’t have more listeners who are women, but I have some thoughts. Let me know if you want to hear them. Give me a call, we can chat.
So here’s why my story contradicts my preference. You said that most of the feedback you receive is faith-related, and guess what? So is mine. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I like the rotation because it offers a different perspective on different aspects of life. I think the reason why most people offer faith-based feedback is because you are providing a platform in a non-confrontational way. That maybe most people don’t have to talk about it.
Now here’s my story. I was born into and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been a member of this religion my whole life. I know no other. I know there are some people out there who don’t think we are Christians, but we are. And so I’ve also been a Christian my whole life. However, I spent most of my 40s and some of my 30s not going to church. For reasons that seem silly now, I didn’t want to go, and so I quit going. I didn’t think that it was right for me, I wasn’t happy with the direction of my life, you name it, I probably felt it.
Slowly, I began to forget all of the wonderful experiences I had had at church. And then I started feeling other negative emotions. I won’t go into doctrine or anything, but I started to lose all the spiritual knowledge that I felt I had gained in my life. Without realizing it, the small divide between me and my faith had become a grand canyon-sized chasm. The next thing I knew, it became a habit not to go to church rather than a habit to go. I began to fool myself into thinking things like, well, I’m still a good person. I still have good values. So it’s okay if I don’t go to church. I started to justify not going. It’s been so long, it will be awkward, or I don’t want to face the questions about where I’ve been or why I haven’t been coming. And then, well, no one misses me. No one cares if I go.
And then around August of last year, I went back for the first time in a long time. I’m not sure I could pinpoint an exact reason why or anything like that, and there were certainly fits and starts in the beginning. It was indeed awkward for me, but no one came up to me and chastised me for being gone so long, or asked me where I had been. Instead they welcomed me back and told me it was nice to see me.
It’s now the end of May as I write this and I recently turned 49. That’s right, I’m also a bicentennial baby. And I have been back to church for around nine months or so. Without getting too much in the weeds, we are a faith structured by geographic regions and are largely a volunteer organization. We have a women’s group and a men’s group, as well as various groups for children and youth.
Back in February, I was asked to teach our women’s group called Relief Society once a month. I was thrilled to accept. I think that I have had great success leading the discussions of our local Relief society. Recently, I was asked to take on a larger leadership role for the Relief Society, not just for our congregation, but a larger geographical area of members of my church. And once again, I am thrilled to accept the opportunity to serve.
Now here’s what I learned.
It’s never too late to go back to church. You might think it is, but I’m here to tell you that is just not true. Any negative thought or emotion you have regarding your relationship with God or Jesus Christ doesn’t come from God or Christ. They want you to know them the way they know us. I’ve had friends say they don’t want me to go to church because I’m… Fill in the blank. And my response is this. It doesn’t matter. Church is where the sinners are. We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes and mess up sometimes. I know a lot of people have trouble with organized religion and to them I would say keep looking. There is a church out there for you. To quote the great Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias, you see church isn’t just about religion, It’s about fellowship! We humans are social creatures and we need each other. I also learned that what I thought would take me years to recover really took no time at all. It seemed to happen gradually at first, then all at once. I regained my testimony.
Thanks to Jeff and Ruthie for sharing their stories. I found both of these stories to be incredibly inspiring and I appreciate each of you being willing to be vulnerable enough to share these raw moments from your life. These stories represent the true heart of this podcast and the best of what community looks like.
The next Monday Mailbag is heading your way on September 29th! Monday You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, or you can be like Jeff and Ruthie were today and send in a story of your own that you think will benefit others. You can participate in Monday Mailbags by visiting the Golden Spiral Media listener feedback page.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.