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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, my son Colby’s middle name is Jack, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
Okay, I’m just kidding. We did not name our son Colby Jack, but his sister loves to prank people into thinking that we did.
Rat Race. No, I’m not referring to the 2001 film starring Rowan Atkinson, John Cleese, and Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m referring to that trap many of us fall into. Wikipedia says a rat race is an endless, self-defeating, or pointless pursuit. The phrase equates humans to rats attempting to earn a reward such as cheese, in vain.
It’s an easy analogy to understand for most of us because we can easily identify with it, especially as it relates to our careers. It’s a issue that tends to affect men more than women, but we’re all susceptible to it. For many, we find our identity, value, worth, and meaning in our work or career. Because of that, pursuing career and focusing on that becomes our cheese.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not entirely bad. After all, our career is how we earn our income and our income is how we provide for our family. Providing for our family is honorable, right? Yes, of course it is. I think we all have a desire to create a better life for those we love that is better than the one we ourselves have experienced.
For some, that means providing an environment for their kids where they don’t have to worry or fear when their next meal will come. For others, it’s providing a home in a safe part of town that will give their children security, maybe even in an area that has great schools. Others might be in pursuit of being able to go on an annual vacation with their family to provide their kids with great memories and a broader view of the world. For some it may be a desire to provide a large, spacious home or even have enough earnings to fully pay their kids’ way to college.
These are all noble pursuits. I don’t pass judgement or condemn any of these pursuits and I’ve pursued each of these myself. But the thing is, if we’re not careful, each of these leads to a never ending pursuit. Look at it this way. Providing stable meals for your family equates to a few hundred dollars per month. Providing a paid college education for your child will cost tens of thousands of dollars, perhaps even into six figures. And that’s just for one child. All those other things fall somewhere in between those two on the financial scale.
So regardless of where you fall on the salary scale, there’s always a piece of cheese to chase that will lead you to believe it’s the most noble thing you can do for your family. And that is the deception of the rat race. It becomes an endless pursuit of the next piece of cheese.
All of us are susceptible to this, but I think it’s especially true for men. Oftentimes we find our identity, value, purpose, and fulfillment in our career. When we meet another man, often our first question is, “What do you do?” In this way, we are connecting our primary identification point with our career. As men we also have a deep desire to be the provider for our family. By providing for their needs, we find fulfillment and satisfaction.
The thing is, our families have other needs than food, shelter, and stuff. Our kids need parents and our spouses need a partner. We toil long hours at our careers, bring our work home with us thinking we are giving our best, but the best thing we can give is our presence. I know we know this, but how do we actually do it?
Here’s what I learned.
When I started working at the bookstore I found working there more fulfilling than going to school. My focus and hard work at the bookstore led me getting promoted and eventually led to the district manager approaching me about becoming a store manager. I was 22 at the time. Most of the store managers were men and women in their 50’s and I just couldn’t see myself doing that job for the next 30 years.
But you probably know that eventually I did agree to become a manager and the company shipped me off to Lubbock, Texas for training. Just before the move I got married, so my wife and I made the move together. There in Lubbock I trained for almost a year under the guidance of a man named Sammy. Sammy taught me a lot more than just how to properly run a store. He was full of wisdom and took time to teach me things that would also help me in my new marriage, finances, future family, and more.
One day he told me to imagine a bucket full of water. Then he asked me to imagine sticking my hand in the bucket all the way up to my elbow. Then he asked me to imagine pulling my arm out. After that he posed this question. “How long will it take the water to fill in the area where your arm was?” The obvious answer was it would happen almost immediately.
From there he shared with me that the same would be true when or if I ever left the company. I’d just committed myself to making that company my career and was excited about all the future possibilities that could be gained by hard work and dedication. And there was Sammy helping me understand that the company wasn’t where my lasting impression would be made. My lasting impression, if I wanted to have one, would be in the home with my wife and, when the time came, my kids.
Thank you, Sammy.
So does this mean that we don’t dedicate ourselves to our jobs? No, not at all. The New Testament book of Colossians says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,.” This verse is clear in its instruction that we are to work hard because our ultimate boss is God, not man. This can be very easy or very hard depending on your work situation. As my time at the bookstore was coming to an end and I was counting down the days until I turned in my notice, there were many days I worked for myself and not for God. I know it can be tough and I know what it feels like to fail at living out this verse. But clearly we should devote ourselves to doing our best at our jobs.
So then how do we do that and still be present with our families? The good news is, there’s not a solution to this problem. Wait, let me try that again and put the emphasis on the right word. The good news is, there’s not a solution to this problem. There are many solutions to this problem. Here are some of the ways I’ve tried to solve it and some ways I’ve seen others do it.
First, we have to recognize that it requires focus and intent. If we focus on our family and are intentional about our time, we have already put ourselves on a clear path to solving this.
I know not all of us work a 9-5 job but if you do, make it a 9-5 job. Don’t bring work home with you and don’t shut yourself up in your home office when you get home. Be present with your spouse and your kids. Help them in the kitchen or with other household duties. Help your kids with homework. Play games with your family. Here’s a big one: sit at the dinner table and share meals together.
When I worked a 9-5 job, I got 4 weeks of paid vacation every year. I took two weeks of that time and used them on Fridays. Those Fridays could be used for a variety of things like getting things done around the house that my wife had been asking me to do. During the summer, we could do fun things as a family like go to the zoo, go bowling, visit a museum, or just play games.
When my kids were in elementary school, the school allowed parents to come up and eat lunch with their kids. Our kids loved this and we did it regularly. Once they were in middle school, they hated the idea of other kids even knowing their parents existed. But once they were in high school they could leave campus and they loved it when we picked them up and took them to their favorite fast food restaurant for lunch.
My friend Steve doesn’t work a 9-5 job and works out of his house. He has 3 young kids. He organizes his workday by making note of the big things that need to be done that day. Where many people start with easy stuff so they can get their list crossed off early in the day, Steve knocks out the big stuff first. Once those are done, he takes the rest of the day off. Sometimes that’s 5 or 6, other times it’s 2 or 3. So rather than continuing to work and just filling up the time left in the workday, he takes off. He says this has dramatically helped with his frame of mind and burnout.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to be able to take off work early or work shorter weeks to make this stuff happen. But keep boundaries and don’t let your work encroach into your family. I have an entire episode devoted to this later this year, but make sure to keep that boundary.
Lastly, don’t forget about your spouse. Many marriages fail once the kids are grown and move out. Sometimes that happens because the marriage has dissolved along the way and parents have just been waiting to call it quits so that their kids didn’t grow up in a broken home. Other times a marriage falls apart during that phase because the kids are gone and the parents suddenly realize their focus has been on the kids and they are now living with a stranger.
Don’t forget what made your spouse special to you, and don’t forget what made you special to them. Take time for dates, conversation, and focusing on your relationship with each other. One time my wife and I decided to take off on a Thursday and Friday and only work 3 days that week. Afterward my wife commented that we should do it more often and told me how much she liked spending that extra time together.
There are many other ways you can find balance, but as I said, you have to be intentional about it. Have the courage and discipline to break bad habits, and create new habits that will bring about a healthy family. It’s too easy to get caught up chasing that cheese and thinking it’s gold, but the real treasure is found at home and your presence is the greatest gift of all.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
I want you to be a part of the next Monday Mailbag on March 31st! Monday Mailbag is your opportunity to Share what YOU’VE learned, so that other listeners and I can learn from YOU. It can be a message as short as 30 seconds or several minutes long. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it’s something that will benefit others. You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, and I’ll respond to them via Monday Mailbag episodes. You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, and I’ll respond to them via Monday Mailbag episodes. You can participate in Monday Mailbags by visiting the Golden Spiral Media listener feedback page.