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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, biscuits and gravy is my favorite breakfast meal, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
A couple of times each season I end up having an extra ticket and I invite different people to go to an OU football game with me. During the second quarter of a game last season as the crowd was raucously cheering on the home team, my friend leaned over to me and said, “Can I ask you a question?” The crowd was so loud I didn’t understand him. “What?,” I asked. “Can I ask you a question?” he repeated. “Sure,” I said. “What’s the secret to raising girls?” Of all the questions he could have asked me in that moment, I never would have guessed that would be it. “Are you serious?,” I asked. “Yes.” I smiled and said, “Ask me again when we get back to the car.”
I’ll tell you the rest of that story, but first, let’s jump in the time machine and travel back to 1995. I was working at the bookstore part time and attending college full time. The bookstore had several people working there who were also college students. One of them was in charge of the music department. His name was Bryan. He was a couple of years older than me and married to a wonderful woman named Shonda. After he finished his bachelor’s degree, Bryan had plans to attend seminary and then spend his life in full-time ministry. I still keep in touch with Bryan and he has followed that calling. After seminary he entered full-time ministry and is currently the pastor of a church here in Oklahoma.
Even as a college student, Bryan and Shonda had a heart for ministry and mentoring. Bryan organized a Bible study group for us college students at the bookstore, often hosting it at their home. That Bible study shaped me and helped me grow in profound ways. But that wasn’t all Bryan did. He and Shonda would also invite me over for dinner on occasion and we even had a few double dates together.
Bryan was consciously invested in seeing all of us grow, and nothing was a more clear sign of that to me than the one-on-one moments I had with him. Just around the corner from the bookstore was a Hardee’s restaurant. One day Bryan asked me if I’d like to meet him there for breakfast and I was more than happy to do so. That conversation over greasy hash browns and sausage biscuits was amazing. I mean, I can’t tell you a single thing we talked about, but I can tell you how it made me feel. I felt loved, seen, cared for, and valuable. We ended up meeting for breakfast on regular occasions. It became clear to me very quickly that Bryan was discipling me.
Discipleship is a churchy word that may not have context or meaning for some of you. It’s basically the same as mentoring. The primary difference is that discipleship specifically has a spiritual component to it. It was clear that Bryan cared about me and wanted to see me grow in all facets of life including spiritually, but also as a man, as a person, and in my personal maturity.
In the fall of 1997 our company opened up a new location in Texas, and Bryan transferred there so he could be closer to the seminary he was attending. The good news was I was promoted to Bryan’s position at our store. The bad news was I lost my friend. Fortunately for me, a different friend soon filled that void.
By that time I was attending the same church as a former co-worker, Chuck. One day after church Chuck asked me if I’d like to get together on Tuesday and Thursday mornings for Bible study. I told him that I’d like that. “Great!” he said, “I’ll be at your apartment at 6am on Tuesday!”
I was a bit shocked. I mean I was down for doing Bible study, but I didn’t expect to start so early and so quickly. Those Bible study sessions with Chuck were life changing. Over the next two years we met nearly every Tuesday and Thursday. We prayed together, talked about our deepest struggles, shared our biggest victories, and grew in every way possible.
I didn’t realize how important these two men were in my life until I moved away in the summer of 1999. I immediately felt the absence of not having a mentor or accountability partner. As I look back now, I see that in every stage of my life since then, I’ve sought out some form of those relationships. My life feels somehow incomplete without them. For the last several years these relationships have come from my two masterminds, one of which specifically has a faith-based component to it.
Here’s what I learned.
When my son was in high school he became friends with a young man I’ll simply call Goose. Goose was an energetic kid who was a first generation American. His parents had immigrated to the US from Uganda when he was a young boy. I connected with Goose because he was also in marching band and I spent a lot of time volunteering to help the band. Goose also spent time over at our house hanging out with Colby and playing video games.
Goose’s senior year of high school had some significant personal challenges, and he texted me one day to see if I would meet him for coffee. We talked about a lot of things that day and I felt confident that he walked out of the coffee shop better than he had walked into it. More importantly, a bond formed between us that day that I think we both found meaningful.
Goose would occasionally go to church with us and we’d have him over for meals. We continued to have conversations about life. Goose got a scholarship at a local university and chose to pursue music education. He wants to become a high school band director one day. He chose a local college, and I’ve gone to watch him perform several times.
One day I had an extra ticket to an OU football game, so I invited Goose to go with me. This not only gave us time to chat, but it also gave him a chance to see Colby perform before and during the game. Goose and I had a great time. It was there during that game with the sound of 85,000 fans cheering around us that he asked me that question about raising daughters.
Sure enough, no sooner had we gotten back to the car than he asked me about parenting. We spent the next hour in the car ride home talking about being a dad, faith, family, mental health, and much more. It was a great time, and I was mentally exhausted when I got home.
That group of college friends I had around me when I was Goose’s age was everything. It started a growth pattern in my life that continues to this day. I’ve tried very hard to encourage each of my kids to find a friend group that is committed to helping everyone grow spiritually and in every other part of their lives. So far, neither of my kids have really done this. My son has done a good job with spiritual disciples like going to church, tithing, and reading the Bible regularly. My daughter has not pursued these things much at all. That’s not to say she hasn’t pursued them at all, but she’s not made them an important and consistent part of her life.
My heart hurts for them because I know they are only hurting themselves. And the same is true for all of us. Mentorship and discipleship are important components to achieving growth. Regardless of our age, each one of us should be pursuing growth in every facet of our lives. Sometimes that means gathering up a group of your peers and pushing each other to grow, and sometimes that means taking a look around you for someone younger who is just starting out on the path you’ve already walked, and helping them find their footing. I’d say it means both of those things.
As we wrap up this year and get ready to start a new one, let me encourage all of us to take a look at our own lives to evaluate where and how we can grow. And at the same time, take a look around you to see how you can help and serve the next generation.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
I want you to be a part of the next Monday Mailbag on March 31st! Monday Mailbag is your opportunity to Share what YOU’VE learned, so that other listeners and I can learn from YOU. It can be a message as short as 30 seconds or several minutes long. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it’s something that will benefit others. You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, and I’ll respond to them via Monday Mailbag episodes. You can participate in Monday Mailbags by visiting the Golden Spiral Media listener feedback page.