Home for the Holidays?

It’s hard to believe it, but we’ve already made our way to November, which means the holiday season is upon us. The week after next brings with it Thanksgiving, and with it, family gatherings. Unless you're one of our awesome Canadian listeners. In that case, you got your delicious food and family trauma a month ago.

For those of us on the southern side of the 49th parallel who are white knuckling our way to the end of December, this one’s for you.

Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday, this is episode #723, “Home for the Holidays?” I’m Darrell Darnell, cranberry sauce is my least favorite Thanksgiving dish, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.

Family trauma is wonderful, isn't it? It's to be expected, really. I'm convinced you can't put a room full of humans together for very long without it. We are an opinionated, headstrong, proud, and emotional bunch. Those ingredients make a dish even less appetizing than the gelatinous goop that plops out of a can like dog food, which we call cranberry sauce.

For many people, gathering for holidays, birthdays, summer cookouts, or any occasion is full of joy, excitement, and fun. For others, it's the opposite. It brings dread, anxiety, stress, anger, or even fear. Some of you love to plan a party, open your home, and be the host. God bless you. I'm glad you exist.

Whichever camp you're in, this episode is for you. Although I'm writing mostly for those who find these occasions difficult, who feel pressure to show up, put on a happy face, and pretend life is perfect. If that's not you, I hope this gives you a perspective outside your own and helps you as you gather this season.

I was seven or eight years old when I first noticed drama in my family. Every Christmas we traveled to Kansas to spend the week with my dad's sister and her family. Aunt Vivian was amazing. She loved to throw a party, thought of every detail, and welcomed us all into her home with open arms.

One year, someone who was normally there was missing. When I asked where he was, I was told another family member had decided to come, so he chose to stay home. The two of them couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other.

As I spent more time with my grandparents, I got a front row seat to my grandma and her sister's love-hate relationship. They talked on the phone nearly every day. Sometimes they were best friends, telling each other how much they cared and enjoying each other's company. Other times they were yelling, calling names, and slamming phones.

Can I pause here for a second? I think our society has lost something important. Back then, when you were angry with someone, you could slam the phone into the receiver. Those things were built like Sherman tanks. It was so satisfying to feel that handset crash into the base and hear the little bell inside chime out in anguish. Tapping End Call on a cell phone just doesn't do it. No matter how hard I press, all I do is hurt my finger.

Okay. Back to family drama.

Several years ago, I called one of my relatives by his first name. I meant it as a playful joke. He did not take it as a joke at all. He called me later to tell me how much I'd offended him and how disrespected he felt. He also threatened to come over to my house, take me out to the front yard, and beat some respect into me.

Once he'd had time to cool down, I invited him to breakfast and we talked it out. I apologized for the disrespect I’d shown and explained what I'd intended. He apologized for his threats. As far as I'm concerned, we're good.

That one was relatively small. Awkward and uncomfortable, sure, but small. I'm telling you about it because it shows how easily things get tangled up. Honestly, it didn't take much and I wonder where we'd be today if we hadn’t talked it out.

But not every situation is small.

When our daughter Addi was eighteen, she stayed a few nights at her grandparents' house. Another family member was also staying there, and at one point he made a threat toward her that was sexual in nature. He told her the rest of the family would believe him, not her. Later that night, he came to her bedroom and they watched TV together. Her on the bed, him on the floor. Then he got up and turned off the lights. When she told him to turn them back on, he had taken his shirt off.

Thankfully, nothing physically happened to her.

And thankfully, she told us.

This was right around this time of year. We were getting ready to host the family, and we had already bought all the food, for Thanksgiving, which meant he would be coming to our house. We politely but firmly asked that he not come. That also meant his family wouldn't come, because they didn't want to come without him. We held firm. If it meant everyone stayed home, fine. He was not welcome in our home, at least not at that time.

So what happened? Another part of the family decided to move Thanksgiving to their house and invite everyone. That didn't solve anything. This was never about whether he was welcome in our home. It was about not asking Addi to be in the same room with someone she didn't feel safe around.

So we stayed home. Everyone else gathered for Thanksgiving.

To us, it felt like the entire family had taken his side and didn’t see his threats or actions as a big deal. It felt like the person who'd been hurt was being hurt all over again.

I want to be careful here. I'm not telling this story to drag my family through the mud. I love these people. There are always two sides to every story, and you're only hearing mine. My goal is not to make anyone the villain. It's to help someone listening who may be sitting in a spot like ours.

So here's what I learned.

First, it is okay to say no.

Many families put a lot of pressure on everyone to show up for special occasions. Some people go further and use guilt to make sure everyone is there. "It won't be the same without you." "After all we've done for you." "What will people think?" You may have heard these. You may have said them.

Guilting someone into attending is not okay. And it is very much okay to skip a family function.

That's true when the situation is as small as mine with that relative, and it's true when it's as serious as what Addi faced. You are not required to put yourself, or your children, in a room where someone doesn't feel safe. Your safety matters more than a seating chart.

A no also doesn't have to come from drama. We have a family member who almost always misses Thanksgiving. They can only take vacation at certain times of year, and Thanksgiving week is one of them. So they take a family vacation. We're totally fine with that. Nobody's keeping score, and nobody's mad. Sometimes a no is just a no, and it can be a healthy one.

But it’s worth remembering that gatherings are special, and they're not guaranteed.

I want to hold this next thought right alongside the first one, because I think both are true.

My grandma turned 100 this year. One hundred! Any one of these gatherings could be her last. She's deaf, she has mobility issues, and she can be a challenge to deal with. But we make it a priority to spend these times with her while we can. I'm not saying that to pile on guilt. I'm saying it because it's worth weighing. Some of us will look back and wish we'd made a different choice about a seat at the table.

Say no when you need to. Just make sure it's a real no, and not a habit, or a grudge, or the easy way out.

Third, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

This is where I lean on my faith. The Bible talks a lot about forgiveness. It also talks about reconciliation. They go hand in hand, but they're not twins.

Forgiveness is something I can do on my own. It means I'm not going to carry the wrong around like a backpack full of bricks, and I'm not going to let bitterness grow roots. It doesn't mean I forget. It doesn't mean I pretend it didn't happen. And it certainly doesn't mean I put myself, or someone I love, back in a place to be hurt again.

Reconciliation, well that takes two people. It requires wrongs to be acknowledged, and it requires trust to be rebuilt over time. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't, at least not yet. Paul wrote, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I like that phrase, as far as it depends on you. It tells me my job is to do my part. I'm not responsible for the other person's part.

My breakfast with that relative is a small example of what that looked like. We named the wrong, we apologized, and we moved forward. Not every story gets resolved over eggs and bacon, but I think the heart is the same. Don't let things fester. Acknowledge what was wrong. Do your part. Keep the door open as far as you can safely.

And DO think of it as a door, not a wall. A wall says "never." A door with a lock says "not right now, and not like this, but I haven't walked away from you forever." Sometimes the door has to stay locked for a while. But a door can be opened someday. A wall can't.

I think about the end of life, when I look back on all of this. I don't want to be holding a lifetime of resentment. I want to be holding restoration. I want to know I did what I could, as far as it depended on me, so that whatever happened, I'm not stuck with regrets about things I could have done or said.

Again, it's okay to say no. Really. If you're dreading a gathering, if you feel unsafe, or if someone is trying to guilt you into walking into something that hurts you, you have my full permission. You don't need mine, but you have it.

But don't stop there. Family health, forgiveness, and honesty matter too. Don't let a no become a wall. Forgive as you're able, and leave the door open to what God might do in the years ahead.

Whatever your table looks like this season, I hope it's a good one. Whether you're packed into a house with forty relatives or sitting quietly at home with a plate of leftovers, I'm wishing you a happy holiday season.

And if someone brings the canned cranberry sauce with the ridges from the can still on it, remember that you're allowed to say no to that, too.

I'm Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.

I want you to be a part of the next Monday Mailbag coming up in three weeks on November 30th! Monday Mailbag is your opportunity to share what YOU’VE learned, so that other listeners and I can learn from YOU. It can be a message as short as 30 seconds or several minutes long. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it’s something that will benefit others. You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, and I’ll respond to them via Monday Mailbag episodes. You can participate in Monday Mailbags by visiting the Golden Spiral Media listener feedback page at goldenspirlamedia.com/feedback.