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Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Darrell Darnell, Desmond and Penny are my favorite couple from the TV show LOST, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living.
LOST was a cultural phenomenon from the moment it premiered in September of 2004. My wife and I were both in love with the show and its amazing ensemble of characters. In case you’ve never seen the show, it’s about a group of people who survive a plane crash on a remote island in the south pacific. One of the most frustrating things for us as viewers was the lack of communication between them. Sometimes there would be a small group of characters that would communicate with each other, but it was rare to see the entire group having communication.
Naturally, this led to massive issues among the group of survivors. Early in season one, the group was running out of food and water that they’d salvaged from the wreck. Each person was doing what he or she could to survive by hiding food or water from the rest of the group. Jack, the de facto leader of the group, had gone off alone into the jungle earlier that day and had not communicated to anyone what he was doing or when he’d be back.
As night fell, the group began to panic. They labeled one of the survivors as a water thief and prepared to punish him for his crime. Suddenly Jack emerged from the jungle, took charge of the situation and delivered a speech that calmed and solidified the group. He told them that every man for himself was not going to work. Delivering a mantra that would go down as one of the most iconic moments from the show, he said, “if we can’t live together, we’re going to die alone.”
I’m not sure if it’s still the way it’s done, but when I was a kid we all took music class and we all played the recorder. After a period of time, maybe the next school year, we got to play other instruments. I still remember the day that we got to choose our instrument. As best as I can recall, the teacher told us in advance to think about which instruments we were interested in playing. For me, I was interested in the saxophone and the trumpet.
When selection day came, it turned out that I was seated in a spot that was going to be one of the last to choose. When the teacher finally made his way to me I told him my choices. He told me that all the spots for those instruments were full and I’d have to choose from what remained. Reluctantly, I chose baritone. For those of you who aren’t band nerds, the baritone is a brass instrument with a similar tone range of a trombone or euphonium. It has a lower register and is positioned to rest in the lap of the player, and sits upright with the bell positioned next to the player’s head.
As a fully grown adult who loves marching bands and symphonies, I love the sound, size, and shape of the baritone. But as a scrawny middle school boy, I hated it. To me, it was only slightly better than the tuba. The tuba was the worst instrument. Only the fat nerdy kids played tuba and the baritone was its slightly less horrific cousin. I got to play treble clef music like a trumpet instead of bass clef music like a tuba, so that made it tolerable for me.
I played the baritone throughout 7th and 8th grade. We rode the bus to and from school each day, and I will never forget the daily chore of lugging that instrument on and off the bus. Once in its case, it was too big to fit with me in my seat. The bus was too full to give it a seat of its own, so it had to be kept up front by the driver. As kids got on and off the bus, they had to step over or around it. I felt like I was annoying and inconveniencing everyone. It was embarrassing.
Once I was in band class playing the horn was fine. No one teased me or gave me grief about it. I enjoyed music class and the music we played. For contests, I frequently paired up with a saxophonist named Roy. And not to toot my own horn, but we never failed to score the highest marks at band contests and often got compliments about the unusual pairing of baritone with saxophone.
After 8th grade, band was going to be totally different. Not only would we still do concert pieces for contest and parent performances, but we’d be a part of high school sports. Like any high school, we’d be present at football and basketball games armed with pep songs and halftime routines.
A few weeks before school started in the fall, band practices started. I don’t recall how I felt when I showed up for those rehearsals, but I very clearly remember how I felt when I left. I was distraught! I was used to slowly working on pieces of music over the course of weeks. I was used to sitting in a chair and reading music off a full sized sheet of paper on a stand. All of that was gone.
I was given several pieces of music and was expected to learn how to play them immediately. I had to learn how to march. Not only that, I had to learn how to play the music WHILE marching. We were allowed to read the music instead of memorizing it, but the sheets were very small and it moved around in front of my face due to all the marching.
Oh, it was terrible! I was marching in the wrong direction playing wrong notes, and many times just not playing anything at all because I couldn’t keep up. I was turned around both on my feet and in my head. It was awful! At the end of the week I’d made up my mind. I was going to quit band.
And that’s exactly what I did. I have no idea if they had practice the following week. All I know is I left my baritone in the band room and never looked back. One day after the school year started, the band teacher stopped me in the hall. She said she was sorry to have seen me quit. She’d heard that I was a talented musician and wanted me to rejoin the band. She was very kind and sincere, but I just couldn’t do it. I thanked her for asking, but gave her a firm no.
Here’s what I learned.
As I’ve matured, I’ve looked back at this decision as one of my biggest regrets. Fortunately it’s taught me valuable life lessons that have positively impacted my life and given me insight that has helped my kids.
I made two very costly errors that week of band practice and through my decision to put down the baritone. First, I made the mistake of comparing my beginning with someone else’s middle. Remember, none of us are at the end until we quit or take our last breath. All the stuff between then and now is either the beginning or somewhere in the middle.
I’d like to say that making the mistake of comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle is a mistake that is only common among the young, but it’s not. It’s a mistake that befalls all people. I’m extraordinarily grateful that I eventually realized this and have this painful memory to serve as a constant reminder. And I’m grateful it’s given me a story to share with you today.
Some of you are listening to this episode while multitasking. Some of you are listening with your kids in the car. To all who are listening, please pay attention. Never, ever make the mistake of comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle. Everyone starts somewhere. Everyone struggles. When you look at someone else making something look easy that you find difficult, the odds are very, very high that they once struggled too.
My son will be a junior at the University of Oklahoma this year. He’s a music major who plays trumpet. He’s been playing since he was in 6th grade. I can’t tell you how many times he’s been discouraged because he’s not advancing on his instrument as much as he wants. I can’t tell you the number of times where he’s been intimidated by someone he perceives as more talented.
Fortunately, he’s taken my advice and he’s heard me tell him this story a dozen times. He’s done well at staying focused on his own progress and what he needs to personally work on. That focus helped him become the top trumpet the last two years of high school and a top trumpet each year in the University of Oklahoma marching band. He’s seen this lesson play out first hand in a positive way, and it’s a lesson he keeps reminding himself about every day. I see all the amazing things he does with music and I look back to that summer and wonder, “what if.”
Don’t become a what iffer.
Secondly, I also made the mistake of thinking I had to go through the experience by myself. Never once did I talk to one of my friends and tell them how I was feeling. Never once did I talk to one of my parents or older brothers about it. Never once did I express my feelings to the band director. I kept all of my fear and insecurities inside. I made the decision alone.
A few weeks ago I talked about the power of masterminds. Obviously, I love those and encourage everyone to join one. But the lesson here is much more simple than that. This lesson is to simply communicate.
To the kids that are listening, please hear me. Your parents love you. No one on this planet wants you to be happier, be more successful, and reach your full potential more than they do. I know you think they are old. Maybe they are. But with age comes wisdom. I know you think they don’t understand you. They understand more than you give them credit for.
Please don’t ever think that a decision is too small, too big, too embarrassing, too stupid, or too scary to get them involved. And when they push you to do something that you think is too hard or even impossible, don’t make the mistake of selling yourself short. You are capable of far more than you realize. They will help guide and support you through those difficult times and achieve more than you think is possible.
Failing to communicate is a costly mistake. Friends, school counselors, and parents are there to help. For you adults, these lessons are for you too. Your parents, spouse, friends, and colleagues are there to help. Never be afraid to reach out for the support of others. And never forget the wise words of Jack from LOST. We’re either going to learn that we live together, or we die alone.
I’m Darrell Darnell, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.
I want you to be a part of the next Monday Mailbag on July 29th! Monday Mailbag is your opportunity to Share what YOU’VE learned, so that other listeners and I can learn from YOU. It can be a message as short as 30 seconds or several minutes long. It really doesn’t matter just as long as it’s something that will benefit others. You can send in questions or responses to my SILY episodes, and I’ll respond to them via Monday Mailbag episodes. You can participate in Monday Mailbags by visiting the Golden Spiral Media listener feedback page at goldenspirlamedia.com/feedback.