Welcome to Stuff I Learned Yesterday. My name is Therissa Libby. I generally refuse to eat crabs other than Chesapeake blues, and I believe that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living. In today’s episode of Stuff I Learned Yesterday, I share a lesson I learned many years ago that is making a new difference for me today.

Fun Fact: Happy Thursday, everyone. I’m tickled to have a chance to contribute an episode to Stuff I Learned Yesterday, partly because I get to give you a few fun facts about the Chesapeake Bay.

My beloved home state of Maryland is split down the middle by the Chesapeake. The Susquehanna River flows into Maryland from Pennsylvania, and soon widens into the headwaters of the Chesapeake. According to NOAA, the Chesapeake watershed spans 64,000 squares miles, covering parts of six states – Delaware, Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia – as well as the District of Columbia. The Chesapeake Bay is the largest estuary in the United States, and an estuary is tidal body of water in which fresh water from one or more rivers and salt water from the sea mix. And while there are many things to love about the Chesapeake, including its amazing natural beauty, one of the best is the Chesapeake blue crab. For my money, it’s the sweetest, tastiest crabmeat in the world, and there are few things I love more than I love a Maryland crab feast.

What I learned yesterday:
One Friday Forum contributor whose experience spoke to me was Jason. Back in April, in episode 417, Jason shared a story about his addiction recovery, and how his music plays a part in it. I too am a person in long-term recovery from addiction. I am very grateful to say that I have been clean and sober since age 19. As I’m now in my mid-fifties, well, that’s a long time. You might think that staying clean and sober comes pretty naturally now, and you’d be right; I don’t struggle to maintain my sobriety, and I long ago recovered from the effects that drug and alcohol use had on my life. You might also think that I no longer need to attend to my recovery on an ongoing basis; but there you’d be wrong.

You see, my recovery isn’t just about staying away from drugs and alcohol. It’s an entire way of life. In fact, it’s an amazing and beautiful way of life, one based in spiritual principles and practices, and I can’t imagine living any other way. My recovery informs every aspect of my life – my ethics and values, my marriage, my parenting, my work, leisure and self-care – truly, it’s my foundation.

Now, I’m especially blessed in many ways. My wife of almost twenty years is also in long-term recovery, and the spiritual basis we share is central to having our partnership work. I get to do work that I love – I’m a university professor teaching future counselors – with a great team of coworkers and amazing and inspiring students. And I’m a mom, and I’ll say more about that in a minute.

Staying involved in the recovery community is my way of nurturing all that’s good in my life and being of service to others. Being part of the recovery community for a long time doesn’t mean I’ve got it down. Like every other human being, I make mistakes, have tough times, and need support. There’s tremendous collective wisdom in the recovery community, both from people sharing their experiences, and from recovery literature.

There’s one passage in recovery literature that is very well known in certain parts of the recovery community. It’s about acceptance, and it starts, “[A]cceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” The ensuing paragraph is quoted a lot, but my favorite part is farther down the page. There, the author says, quote, “For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it’s the best thing that has every happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today – especially my own life, as it actually is,” end of quote. For me, it’s important, as I go through life, to have the humility that this passage implies. I may have some answers, but I don’t have anywhere near all of them, and I’m much more peaceful when I act accordingly.

Let me return for a minute to being a parent. We became parents by adoption 13 years ago, when we brought our 25-month-old child home from a Bulgarian orphanage. My son is a delightful, curious, playful, funny 15-year-old. He’s an adolescent, obviously, a challenging time of life for any individual – and for parents, too. But my son has an unusual array of challenges. He experienced traumatic neglect and disrupted attachment during those first two years before he came home. He is cognitively and developmentally disabled, has some autistic features, struggles more than ever with attachment issues and aggressive behavior, and has some physical health concerns as well. We’ve recently been advised to find permanent placement for him in a group home for those with developmental disabilities.

As a parent, the idea of no longer be able to live with my own child is devastating. Sure, we knew this day would come – but at 18, or 21, or 25, not at 15. I keep thinking there must be a way to keep him at home, that I must have missed something, that there’s some magic key that someone will hand us and all will be well. In my heart, though, I know that the professionals advising us are right. He really will be better off in a 24/7 supportive environment, and we’ll be able to stay involved as his parents without putting ourselves at risk from some of his unmanageable behaviors. Today, parenting means something different than I thought it would at this point. It means accepting that I don’t know what’s best, and accepting help from those who do.

Here’s what I learned.
When we were told that we could no longer care for our son adequately at home, I knew that I needed to lean on recovering people and recovery wisdom. But I didn’t think of the passage that I just quoted. I wasn’t in a place of acceptance; I thought I knew what was best for me, for him and for others. Now, though, the recovery lesson has come back around. It’s okay that I don’t know what’s best. In fact, we’re fortunate to have so many accomplished professionals, people we trust, involved in his care, and I need to have the humility to take their recommendations. This lesson that I started learning thirty years ago is holding me in good stead today, and for that, I am tremendously grateful.

I’m Therissa Libby, and this has been Stuff I Learned Yesterday.

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